Ezra is three and a half now; it feels like a long time since I was the mom of a newborn. So it's been fun to step back and think of ways in which is feels like old hat and ways in which it feels totally new.
Old hat: I never forgot nursing all the time and it taking forever
As if it had never happened to me before: the pain of beginning to breastfeed again. I didn't forget, but I DID NOT REMEMBER. Probably bc the horrors didn't even last a week.
Old hat: not leaving the house for days. Days. And having to find new times to do normal life things, like shower and put on deodorant.
Completely new: putting my newborn on a pillow in the bathroom because I can't trust my preschooler to not hug him to actual death.
Old hat: newborns are so tiny, but still pretty sturdy.
Never before would I have said Ezra was big, but over the course of a weekend (the one after which Judah was born), he must have grown a foot and like 20 pounds, because he is enormous now. He's still in the 20th percentile for 3 year olds, but apparently 3 year olds are huge.
Old hat: no schedule, no routine, just the whims of an infant.
Bewilderingly new: why are you crying? Stop crying, please. Just fart or burp or poop and feel better. Or are you actually hungry? You don't even know, do you?
Old hat: new parent doting. [srsly tho, my baby's beautiful.]
All new: being super in love with Judah and still really focused on our adoption. Like, now that we can do something, let's get this thing done.
Part of that new parent Crazy is trying to make me feel guilty, like "why isn't Judah enough to focus on? He's going to be hurt forever because you weren't satisfied with him right now." No, Crazy, we're not playing these games this time. You can just shut up.
Showing posts with label Baby Q. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby Q. Show all posts
04 September 2014
26 August 2014
Judah
I laughed as Judah was born; I didn't remember until my midwife's apprentice reminded us. That is NOT to say my labor was peaceful or joyful or even positive. It was intense to the point of overwhelming for several hours (for those who understand these things, I went from being 3 cm dilated to Judah being born in just over 4 hours). I told Stephen during my labor (I believe shortly after vomiting) that if we were ever to get pregnant again, we're going to the hospital and they're stabbing a needle in my back (I've since begun to reconsider, but I make no promises either way).
Judah was born "en caul": with the amniotic sac ("bag of waters") unbroken. That wasn't because we made a decision not to break my water; there just wasn't time - the contraction I had just after my midwife checked my dilation was the same contraction during which his head was born. Luckily, I was able to wait for another contraction for the rest of him to be born.
And that's why I laughed - the joy of a thing completed, particularly something inconvenient (he was born at 3:41am in the worst time of year for people who minister to college students), painful, and long-awaited.
It's weird to have a new baby again, when we've been so long expecting our next child to be adopted as a... not-baby (could be toddler or older, but not a baby). It's also a strange feeling to be elated that he's here, and yet still feel the lack of our little A. Judah has two older siblings, but one is missing from all the photos. It's hard to wrap my heart around sometimes.
Still, it's a comfort, really; it reminds me in my heart that God hasn't closed the door to adoption for us. We don't know if we'll have more biological children, but our family is certainly not complete. As we adjust to being a family of four (as in, wait, when do I take a shower now?), I confess I already think of us as a family of five - and expectant family, still. We are still in gestation, and there is no estimated due date yet. As one wait is over, my earnest hope is that I'll continue to wait well on this much longer-deferred hope: to cast my cares at God's feet; to be thankful for His many ways of protecting, loving, and caring for us; and to receive God's peace (instead of being petulant. Yes, petulant).
Judah was born "en caul": with the amniotic sac ("bag of waters") unbroken. That wasn't because we made a decision not to break my water; there just wasn't time - the contraction I had just after my midwife checked my dilation was the same contraction during which his head was born. Luckily, I was able to wait for another contraction for the rest of him to be born.
And that's why I laughed - the joy of a thing completed, particularly something inconvenient (he was born at 3:41am in the worst time of year for people who minister to college students), painful, and long-awaited.
It's weird to have a new baby again, when we've been so long expecting our next child to be adopted as a... not-baby (could be toddler or older, but not a baby). It's also a strange feeling to be elated that he's here, and yet still feel the lack of our little A. Judah has two older siblings, but one is missing from all the photos. It's hard to wrap my heart around sometimes.
Still, it's a comfort, really; it reminds me in my heart that God hasn't closed the door to adoption for us. We don't know if we'll have more biological children, but our family is certainly not complete. As we adjust to being a family of four (as in, wait, when do I take a shower now?), I confess I already think of us as a family of five - and expectant family, still. We are still in gestation, and there is no estimated due date yet. As one wait is over, my earnest hope is that I'll continue to wait well on this much longer-deferred hope: to cast my cares at God's feet; to be thankful for His many ways of protecting, loving, and caring for us; and to receive God's peace (instead of being petulant. Yes, petulant).
 |
| Judah Titus; 8/15/14; 7lbs, 14oz; 20.5"; ours. |
16 July 2014
Umm, oops. . .
Sorry for the radio silence. In the past two months, I've decided to make a career change, started and finished a college class, gone to Colorado with my parents and Ezra, gone to Crystal Beach with Stephen's family, and organized (and prodded and kept Ezra out of the way) the addition of a dishwasher into our home (which didn't have a dishwasher before, making it quite the job). All of this while Stephen has gone out of town to raise support at least ten times.
I have also been CRAZY nesting. Pushing my body to its limit moving stuff and cleaning and organizing and finally having an epiphany about it. I am trying to make myself feel ready to have a newborn and a rambunctious three-and-a-half-year-old at the same time. The transition to motherhood was very difficult, and only in the past nine months have I really been working through the issues that surfaced after E was born. They generally revolve around me feeling wholly incompetent to parent, so having another kiddo is. . . scary. We'll leave it at that.
On top of that, we should receive the referral of a child we are considering adopting any day now (though it's been "any day" for a week and a half already). So much change and upheaval and uncertainty; no wonder I'm trying to control the one place that I can.
That being said, I'm off to the baby room, to throw more things away and make more space (for a person who won't measure two feet long. Hormones are crazy pills).
I have also been CRAZY nesting. Pushing my body to its limit moving stuff and cleaning and organizing and finally having an epiphany about it. I am trying to make myself feel ready to have a newborn and a rambunctious three-and-a-half-year-old at the same time. The transition to motherhood was very difficult, and only in the past nine months have I really been working through the issues that surfaced after E was born. They generally revolve around me feeling wholly incompetent to parent, so having another kiddo is. . . scary. We'll leave it at that.
On top of that, we should receive the referral of a child we are considering adopting any day now (though it's been "any day" for a week and a half already). So much change and upheaval and uncertainty; no wonder I'm trying to control the one place that I can.
That being said, I'm off to the baby room, to throw more things away and make more space (for a person who won't measure two feet long. Hormones are crazy pills).
23 April 2014
We went to Collegiate's annual staff conference last week, and it's a time I love because there are women there who have been working in college ministry (or participating as their husbands work, or both) for a long time. They've raised children within our church network, but the kids aren't with them (and E wasn't with me), so we can really sit and talk.
Something that was said has been going around and around in my head:
You don't have to be mentally healthy to glorify God.
And those are words that nourish my heart. My body chemistry right now is really messing with the way I normally function. I'm very hope-driven and fun-oriented. Those things can take a hit with more-than-full-time parenting and pregnancy without adding medicine that further reduces my capacity for hope and for fun. I don't feel like me.
But I don't have to be healthy to glorify God. I don't have to be stable or strong or not cry about nothing.
It's given me a way to reroute this experience through a different lens from my norm. It helps me remember that I don't have to participate in these feelings. I can experience them, but I can do it with the recognition that my body chemistry is influencing how I perceive my life.
It's helped me remember that, for emotional people, we can sometimes only see life through our emotional experience, and that's not healthy. It's not good to ignore or suppress them, but they shouldn't be our guide. We need to take captive our emotions and bring them to Jesus, just as we are our thoughts.
So yeah, everything feels bad and I'm having a hard time enjoying life, but that doesn't mean I can't experience this season in a way that gladdens the heart of the One who made me (and this placenta that is TOTALLY FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB). And He knows why this is happening and when it will stop and just how it feels. And I am comforted.
Something that was said has been going around and around in my head:
You don't have to be mentally healthy to glorify God.
And those are words that nourish my heart. My body chemistry right now is really messing with the way I normally function. I'm very hope-driven and fun-oriented. Those things can take a hit with more-than-full-time parenting and pregnancy without adding medicine that further reduces my capacity for hope and for fun. I don't feel like me.
But I don't have to be healthy to glorify God. I don't have to be stable or strong or not cry about nothing.
It's given me a way to reroute this experience through a different lens from my norm. It helps me remember that I don't have to participate in these feelings. I can experience them, but I can do it with the recognition that my body chemistry is influencing how I perceive my life.
It's helped me remember that, for emotional people, we can sometimes only see life through our emotional experience, and that's not healthy. It's not good to ignore or suppress them, but they shouldn't be our guide. We need to take captive our emotions and bring them to Jesus, just as we are our thoughts.
So yeah, everything feels bad and I'm having a hard time enjoying life, but that doesn't mean I can't experience this season in a way that gladdens the heart of the One who made me (and this placenta that is TOTALLY FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB). And He knows why this is happening and when it will stop and just how it feels. And I am comforted.
29 March 2014
The Downs of Pregnancy (Meds)
[TL:DR at bottom.] I didn't share this publicly before, but a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant, I had to go to the doctor because of spotting and cramping. It turned out my progesterone was low - probably because I ovulated so early, my doc surmised.
The typical schedule is to take them for the first trimester, then wean your body off them gradually around 16 weeks. I noticed, about that time, some strange symptoms not normal to me for pregnancy: I lost my hunger cues (I could go for 6 or more hours without eating, feeling hungry, getting nauseated, or any of my normal cues), and I started wanting to cry about nothing. Now, I'm an easy crier, but I always cry for a reason (good or bad). It's not normal for me to feel like I'm about to cry all day for no reason.
After doing some research, it turns out excess progesterone can do that - if our bodies make too much, they can break it down and turn it into other hormones, but our bodies can't do it with synthetic. Realizing that was actually happy for me, since it meant (so I thought) that my body had started making enough, and the meds were putting me over the top.
Early this week, I started having a TON of Braxton-Hicks (BH) contractions. I knew they weren't labor contractions, but going from having one every so often (like when I go from standing to squatting), to every few minutes no matter how much I drank or slept, in the matter of two days, was a little concerning. Or could have been, I don't know. That's what doctors are for, amiright?
So I had an appointment that confirmed, no, the contractions aren't premature labor, but that my progesterone was low again. She prescribed half the previous dose and to come in again in 4 weeks to check my levels.
This all sounds pretty mundane and not worth writing about, but I'm really sad. Being chemically depressed is the opposite of my personality (which probably just means I enjoy being a little volatile), and I don't want to experience it more. And I certainly don't want to for the next few months, since I doubt this placenta is going to get the memo now if it hasn't already (that's an emotional guess, not based in any facts). I don't want to not enjoy things and forget to take care of myself. And I don't want my chemicals being messed up because it affects this little guy too; too-low progesterone and it can trigger labor, and the changes in hormones involved with depression during pregnancy also have proven effects on babies.
We'll see how the next few weeks go. The TL:DR is I'm not both sad and whiny.
The typical schedule is to take them for the first trimester, then wean your body off them gradually around 16 weeks. I noticed, about that time, some strange symptoms not normal to me for pregnancy: I lost my hunger cues (I could go for 6 or more hours without eating, feeling hungry, getting nauseated, or any of my normal cues), and I started wanting to cry about nothing. Now, I'm an easy crier, but I always cry for a reason (good or bad). It's not normal for me to feel like I'm about to cry all day for no reason.
After doing some research, it turns out excess progesterone can do that - if our bodies make too much, they can break it down and turn it into other hormones, but our bodies can't do it with synthetic. Realizing that was actually happy for me, since it meant (so I thought) that my body had started making enough, and the meds were putting me over the top.
Early this week, I started having a TON of Braxton-Hicks (BH) contractions. I knew they weren't labor contractions, but going from having one every so often (like when I go from standing to squatting), to every few minutes no matter how much I drank or slept, in the matter of two days, was a little concerning. Or could have been, I don't know. That's what doctors are for, amiright?
So I had an appointment that confirmed, no, the contractions aren't premature labor, but that my progesterone was low again. She prescribed half the previous dose and to come in again in 4 weeks to check my levels.
This all sounds pretty mundane and not worth writing about, but I'm really sad. Being chemically depressed is the opposite of my personality (which probably just means I enjoy being a little volatile), and I don't want to experience it more. And I certainly don't want to for the next few months, since I doubt this placenta is going to get the memo now if it hasn't already (that's an emotional guess, not based in any facts). I don't want to not enjoy things and forget to take care of myself. And I don't want my chemicals being messed up because it affects this little guy too; too-low progesterone and it can trigger labor, and the changes in hormones involved with depression during pregnancy also have proven effects on babies.
We'll see how the next few weeks go. The TL:DR is I'm not both sad and whiny.
06 March 2014
BIG Not-Yet-News
I'm not sure how to write this because I don't really know what to write. We received a call on Friday that may prove very significant to our family. Let me go back to November. Scroll to the end if you want the TL:DR version.
You may remember we started out on the wait list with Generations (Uganda) at number 18 in October 2012. By the end of that December, we were down to #13. The spring of 2013 was very difficult, and we ended the semester at #12. Since we didn't decide to adopt so we could sit for months - or years - on a waiting list, we started pursuing other options.
When we got pregnant in November, we told both agencies we were working with (Uganda and the DRC). It changed nothing about the DRC, since there's no progress in adoptions from there right now anyway. With Uganda, we were told that we'd be put on hold on the list until our new little boy is 6 months old. We wouldn't lose our spot, but we can't accept a referral.
In the meantime, Generations started partnering with an orphanage who cares specifically for children with a medical special need. This special need often carries a stigma beyond its severity. Many adoptive parents-to-be aren't willing to consider adopting children with it, but we are.
So we got a call on Friday from our Uganda program director asking if we'd consider accepting a referral before this little one is born. In fact, we could receive a referral in the next week or two and travel before this kiddo is born!
Naturally, there are a LOT of things to consider and weigh about this decision:
* Family: What is best for our kids (including our to-be-adopted kid)? Will it be more stressful on our family to add a child to our family, and have a baby a month later; or to have a baby and a preschooler and then bring home an adopted child? Where and when will we need (and be able to receive) more help?
* Finances: We still need $6,000-$7,000 more to complete our adoption (including travel and finalization back here in the States). I still have 2 more grants I can apply for, but we haven't received a single grant so far, so I have no confidence that we won't have to scrounge/raise the entire sum. Stephen needs time to raise at least $700 in monthly recurring support, or we may not get full paychecks in the fall, which is a big deal to a family of 5 with a new baby and a child with medical needs.
*** Calling: This one gets three stars because it's the most important. Is God calling us to adopt the child that will be referred to us? We don't know yet. I have absolute confidence that God will enable us to adopt him/her if that is his will. Neither of us has received clarity either way, so we would really appreciate your prayers at this time.
TL:DR Version: we could be accepting the referral of a child in the next week or two and traveling to Uganda this summer (yes, with me weeks away from giving birth). Please pray for us to know God's will.
You may remember we started out on the wait list with Generations (Uganda) at number 18 in October 2012. By the end of that December, we were down to #13. The spring of 2013 was very difficult, and we ended the semester at #12. Since we didn't decide to adopt so we could sit for months - or years - on a waiting list, we started pursuing other options.
When we got pregnant in November, we told both agencies we were working with (Uganda and the DRC). It changed nothing about the DRC, since there's no progress in adoptions from there right now anyway. With Uganda, we were told that we'd be put on hold on the list until our new little boy is 6 months old. We wouldn't lose our spot, but we can't accept a referral.
In the meantime, Generations started partnering with an orphanage who cares specifically for children with a medical special need. This special need often carries a stigma beyond its severity. Many adoptive parents-to-be aren't willing to consider adopting children with it, but we are.
So we got a call on Friday from our Uganda program director asking if we'd consider accepting a referral before this little one is born. In fact, we could receive a referral in the next week or two and travel before this kiddo is born!
Naturally, there are a LOT of things to consider and weigh about this decision:
* Family: What is best for our kids (including our to-be-adopted kid)? Will it be more stressful on our family to add a child to our family, and have a baby a month later; or to have a baby and a preschooler and then bring home an adopted child? Where and when will we need (and be able to receive) more help?
* Finances: We still need $6,000-$7,000 more to complete our adoption (including travel and finalization back here in the States). I still have 2 more grants I can apply for, but we haven't received a single grant so far, so I have no confidence that we won't have to scrounge/raise the entire sum. Stephen needs time to raise at least $700 in monthly recurring support, or we may not get full paychecks in the fall, which is a big deal to a family of 5 with a new baby and a child with medical needs.
*** Calling: This one gets three stars because it's the most important. Is God calling us to adopt the child that will be referred to us? We don't know yet. I have absolute confidence that God will enable us to adopt him/her if that is his will. Neither of us has received clarity either way, so we would really appreciate your prayers at this time.
TL:DR Version: we could be accepting the referral of a child in the next week or two and traveling to Uganda this summer (yes, with me weeks away from giving birth). Please pray for us to know God's will.
06 January 2014
Family Update
WELL, SURPRISE! We're pregnant. No, this bundle of joy was not premeditated and, while it was no "immaculate conception," I believe God's hand was quite at work in making it come about. I went to the doctor before Christmas and saw little baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks 1 day! Babies (and women) are amazing.
We were hoping to have more concrete news about our adoption to share before we made the news public, but I shared with the whole world that I was expecting Ezra about an hour after I found out, and I didn't want anyone to think we were ashamed of this child. How could we be? What a blessing.
That being said, I sure hope we are twice blessed this year, but we have not yet received clear direction on whether to wait on the Congo and hope we can adopt H, or to search out a waiting child we can adopt this year. Before we received our last update, we were thinking we would be able to travel and bring home H in November, with a little baby in tow - not ideal, but you do what you have to for your kids. With the likely extenuation of the suspension, that no longer seems likely, and the future of Congolese adoptions for quite some time is in question. Trust me, we are not making this decision lightly, as H is very important to us, but we were never guaranteed by God that she was meant to be our daughter, and I have been guilty of putting my hopes in her instead of in the Lord, a lesson He has been teaching me with a firm but merciful hand.
All that being said, our next bio child and our next adopted child are two different children. Thus pregnancy does not annul or diminish our desire, nor possibly even delay our adoption. We wait on the Lord for His guidance and would appreciate your prayers. In the meantime, I start my prenatal appointments with our midwife next week and am happy to have a new life to look forward to!
P.S. You know your adoption "journey" has been crazy when you sigh with relief at the stability of pregnancy! A due date is a beautiful thing.
We were hoping to have more concrete news about our adoption to share before we made the news public, but I shared with the whole world that I was expecting Ezra about an hour after I found out, and I didn't want anyone to think we were ashamed of this child. How could we be? What a blessing.
That being said, I sure hope we are twice blessed this year, but we have not yet received clear direction on whether to wait on the Congo and hope we can adopt H, or to search out a waiting child we can adopt this year. Before we received our last update, we were thinking we would be able to travel and bring home H in November, with a little baby in tow - not ideal, but you do what you have to for your kids. With the likely extenuation of the suspension, that no longer seems likely, and the future of Congolese adoptions for quite some time is in question. Trust me, we are not making this decision lightly, as H is very important to us, but we were never guaranteed by God that she was meant to be our daughter, and I have been guilty of putting my hopes in her instead of in the Lord, a lesson He has been teaching me with a firm but merciful hand.
All that being said, our next bio child and our next adopted child are two different children. Thus pregnancy does not annul or diminish our desire, nor possibly even delay our adoption. We wait on the Lord for His guidance and would appreciate your prayers. In the meantime, I start my prenatal appointments with our midwife next week and am happy to have a new life to look forward to!
P.S. You know your adoption "journey" has been crazy when you sigh with relief at the stability of pregnancy! A due date is a beautiful thing.
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