President Trump. Executive order. 6 months. You know what I'm talking about.
Here's what I really don't get: the acquiescence from Christians.
I've been thinking and thinking on how to frame this in a gentle and gracious way. I'm really going to try. But what is happening here?
I cannot get past the conviction that God loves the foreigner. God loves the alien to be among his people. And I'm not just talking in the theocracy of OT Israel. I mean as part of His character: He loves and is for those who have found themselves (through no fault of their own) at the door of violence, starvation, and death.
So I don't understand why I'm not seeing an abundance of my fellow believers in America saying, "please show me exactly why we cannot take any refugees from these countries where people are really needing to leave." And why I'm hearing so much "I don't know" "it's only six months" "we need to keep our people safe" "better vetting" etc etc ad nauseum.
Shouldn't our hearts be starting from a place of, Is there no way we can accept refugees? Because, if I remember correctly, the religion we are to practice is to look after widows and orphans in their distress, and to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world. And this attitude I'm hearing seems neighbor-distancing and born of a spirit of fear and self-protection.
And that seems pretty polluted to me.
Also, if you don't like to talk about practical things based on ideals (which I would disagree with wholeheartedly), and you want to talk about Facts (real ones, with numbers and dates and percentages), we can certainly do that. I feel very, very comfortable in my stance based on those as well. But that doesn't pain me. It's the attitude, which seems so different from the one I see in the God of the Bible, that grieves my heart.
Showing posts with label Decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Decisions. Show all posts
04 February 2017
28 January 2016
Still Here
I thought I would have the emotional energy today to explain what happened yesterday. I don't, so this will be about as barebones as it gets. Sorry for the lack of energy to make it appealing to read.
Stephen took me to the airport yesterday. I checked my bags, went through security, and walked to my gate (the same gate Stephen and I sat at when we left in November).
My phone plan hadn't been renewed because my autorefill was on a card that expired this month. But I didn't want to pay for a phone I couldn't use in Uganda, so I let it lapse yesterday. So, at the gate, I opened up my computer to text Stephen from GoogleVoice letting him know I was safely at the gate.
I got an email from our lawyer in Uganda, saying there is a misspelling on Mirah's official birth certificate, and that the corrected one won't be ready in time for my I-600 filing appointment. He advised that, if I wasn't already traveling, I shouldn't come yet.
This was 9:40a. The email was sent at 9:33a (our time). The plane would start boarding at 11:10a.
Here's where I stop knowing how I feel about what happened. I let those who are invested in this adoption tell me what to do, and I didn't consult my own impression, thoughts, or desires. But I rescheduled my flight (with no extra fees, thank you, United!) for February 9th (which I had to do by calling from GoogleVoice and holding our Chromebook up to my face, like a cool guy). That's really just a placeholder date. I don't know when I'm going.
But when did I start to just lie down and comply? Who even is that? My whole life, I've fought for my thoughts to be heard, understood, and valued. It's not about submitting; it's about making sure the decision I submit to is fully informed and not just someone's preference. I'm just so puzzled at my own behavior. Not that the decision wasn't the right one either; I think only time will tell that.
I was dreading going with no end date, so for that, I'm glad. I don't want to be separated from my boys (and my man) longer than I need to be. But my girls, they matter too. It's been almost two months since I've seen them. And I know changes to the adoption laws are coming soon. We can only delay so long before our adoption (and thus, our family) may be in danger.
I'm trying not to mope, but I don't want to unpack my necessary clothes, and repack them again. I don't want to do this leave-taking all over again. I am really tired. But I'm also getting ready to fight.
Stephen took me to the airport yesterday. I checked my bags, went through security, and walked to my gate (the same gate Stephen and I sat at when we left in November).
My phone plan hadn't been renewed because my autorefill was on a card that expired this month. But I didn't want to pay for a phone I couldn't use in Uganda, so I let it lapse yesterday. So, at the gate, I opened up my computer to text Stephen from GoogleVoice letting him know I was safely at the gate.
I got an email from our lawyer in Uganda, saying there is a misspelling on Mirah's official birth certificate, and that the corrected one won't be ready in time for my I-600 filing appointment. He advised that, if I wasn't already traveling, I shouldn't come yet.
This was 9:40a. The email was sent at 9:33a (our time). The plane would start boarding at 11:10a.
Here's where I stop knowing how I feel about what happened. I let those who are invested in this adoption tell me what to do, and I didn't consult my own impression, thoughts, or desires. But I rescheduled my flight (with no extra fees, thank you, United!) for February 9th (which I had to do by calling from GoogleVoice and holding our Chromebook up to my face, like a cool guy). That's really just a placeholder date. I don't know when I'm going.
But when did I start to just lie down and comply? Who even is that? My whole life, I've fought for my thoughts to be heard, understood, and valued. It's not about submitting; it's about making sure the decision I submit to is fully informed and not just someone's preference. I'm just so puzzled at my own behavior. Not that the decision wasn't the right one either; I think only time will tell that.
I was dreading going with no end date, so for that, I'm glad. I don't want to be separated from my boys (and my man) longer than I need to be. But my girls, they matter too. It's been almost two months since I've seen them. And I know changes to the adoption laws are coming soon. We can only delay so long before our adoption (and thus, our family) may be in danger.
I'm trying not to mope, but I don't want to unpack my necessary clothes, and repack them again. I don't want to do this leave-taking all over again. I am really tired. But I'm also getting ready to fight.
09 December 2015
difficult news
Finally got some news about our case. The judge is refusing to issue the ruling until we appear before him so he can explain the conditions of our legal guardianship. We are trying to figure out the best course of action.
A few scenarios are playing out in my head:
1) We wait until the new judge comes in office on January 8th, not knowing how s/he would rule on our case, and probably having to do the court proceedings all over again (meaning another two months from then before we could get the girls home).
2) I go now before this judge leaves office and get the written ruling and go through the passport & visa process without the family, or the judge's conditions are such that we cannot accept guardianship of the girls.
I wish we could all go and just have Christmas in Uganda as a family, but we don't have the funds. We are trying to get more information so we can make a decision. Please pray for us. I was really hoping to introduce our daughters to the public today...
A few scenarios are playing out in my head:
1) We wait until the new judge comes in office on January 8th, not knowing how s/he would rule on our case, and probably having to do the court proceedings all over again (meaning another two months from then before we could get the girls home).
2) I go now before this judge leaves office and get the written ruling and go through the passport & visa process without the family, or the judge's conditions are such that we cannot accept guardianship of the girls.
I wish we could all go and just have Christmas in Uganda as a family, but we don't have the funds. We are trying to get more information so we can make a decision. Please pray for us. I was really hoping to introduce our daughters to the public today...
22 October 2015
An Unhurried Adoption
I can't help but think lol to my blog post title. We've talked a lot in our church staff team about living An Unhurried Life, and while I think this topic is one of the most important topics for Christians in our culture, I also have struggled to figure out how to apply it to my life. Other than when I was having to assemble our dossier (and probably when we get our court date and have to make travel arrangements), I don't lead a busy life. If you were to map out my appointments and such, there wouldn't be a lot to put on it.
That isn't to say I'm not occupied basically all day, every day. Ezra is so curious and adventurous and high-energy that I can't leave him alone for long (he does have a specific hour to play by himself in his room each day) without the probability of being in danger or getting in trouble or making huge messes (and I don't mean toys; I mean eyeshadow or every hanger in our closet). And while Judah has less of the "entertain me or I'll break things" spirit going on, he's still only 14 months old. He sticks stuff in his mouth. He climbs on anything he can. He has no sense of danger. Alllll that to say, I thought one young toddler was a lot, but that's because I couldn't have handled this yet. It's not so bad; rarely do I feel like I cannot do this another minute -- which is good, since I'm about to have double the amount of young children. [real talk: there are mornings where I think, why can't we just lay back down and pretend it's not morning yet? But Ezra's already jumping on us and yelling]
So while I don't have a lot of extended time with the Lord, like Fadling suggests, and the idea that I could get an overnight with God once a month is like adorable right now, I don't feel busy. I don't feel hurried.
Except for with our adoption. I have felt in a hurry with our adoption almost continuously since we started the process... four years ago. #wompwomp
So, when we talked about this (again) on the same day we gotthe paper of incompetence that Request for Evidence from USCIS, the light bulb lit up. It was a great altar call of sorts for my heart. Do I trust Him? God is going before us in this adoption. And though I know the enemy is the ruler of this world, everything must bend to God's will. And I have seen the fruit of the singularly slow pace of our adoption in my life. He knows what's best.
That isn't to say I'm not occupied basically all day, every day. Ezra is so curious and adventurous and high-energy that I can't leave him alone for long (he does have a specific hour to play by himself in his room each day) without the probability of being in danger or getting in trouble or making huge messes (and I don't mean toys; I mean eyeshadow or every hanger in our closet). And while Judah has less of the "entertain me or I'll break things" spirit going on, he's still only 14 months old. He sticks stuff in his mouth. He climbs on anything he can. He has no sense of danger. Alllll that to say, I thought one young toddler was a lot, but that's because I couldn't have handled this yet. It's not so bad; rarely do I feel like I cannot do this another minute -- which is good, since I'm about to have double the amount of young children. [real talk: there are mornings where I think, why can't we just lay back down and pretend it's not morning yet? But Ezra's already jumping on us and yelling]
So while I don't have a lot of extended time with the Lord, like Fadling suggests, and the idea that I could get an overnight with God once a month is like adorable right now, I don't feel busy. I don't feel hurried.
Except for with our adoption. I have felt in a hurry with our adoption almost continuously since we started the process... four years ago. #wompwomp
So, when we talked about this (again) on the same day we got
19 August 2015
Wednesday Whaaat: Why the Rush?
So what's the rush on this adoption? Can we just slow it down if we don't raise the funds?
It's complicated.
There are a lot of things that come into play when you talk about timing in international adoption. The constraint for us personally is our USCIS approval. Ours will run out at the end of October. Which means that we need to submit our I600 by the end of October. Which means (I understand) we need to receive our court ruling from the judge in Uganda by this time. If we don't, we will need to refile our I600-A and get re-fingerprinted. Which, in itself, isn't the end of the world. But it takes time - at minimum two months. And the courts close for about a month around Christmastime. Which puts us at bringing our girls home in March at the earliest (and adds about $1,500 to the cost of our adoption, maybe more depending on what parts of our dossier we would need to redo).
And I don't want to wait that long to bring them home. And I don't want them in an orphanage (even a great one) for a day longer than they need to be, let alone several months. I want them to spend Christmas with us. I want 2015 to be the year we call them daughter and the year they become Muenichs. Can you blame me? We belong together.
It's complicated.
There are a lot of things that come into play when you talk about timing in international adoption. The constraint for us personally is our USCIS approval. Ours will run out at the end of October. Which means that we need to submit our I600 by the end of October. Which means (I understand) we need to receive our court ruling from the judge in Uganda by this time. If we don't, we will need to refile our I600-A and get re-fingerprinted. Which, in itself, isn't the end of the world. But it takes time - at minimum two months. And the courts close for about a month around Christmastime. Which puts us at bringing our girls home in March at the earliest (and adds about $1,500 to the cost of our adoption, maybe more depending on what parts of our dossier we would need to redo).
And I don't want to wait that long to bring them home. And I don't want them in an orphanage (even a great one) for a day longer than they need to be, let alone several months. I want them to spend Christmas with us. I want 2015 to be the year we call them daughter and the year they become Muenichs. Can you blame me? We belong together.
29 June 2015
Stars and Water
Those are the names I will call our daughters until I can show you their names and faces. Stars and Water. They live in Uganda, that country I just can't shake, no matter what. I can't tell you much about them but that they are related and between our sons' ages (so yes, we'll have 4 kids 3.5 years apart. It's gonna be a lot of fun and quite a bit of work).
I'd love to say I'm cautiously optimistic, but I'm not. I'm vacillating between wildly excited and terrified. So much needs to happen in so little time and SO MANY THINGS can go wrong. When I told my mom we had accepted their referral, she said, "Finally! Aren't you relieved?" and I said NO! I'll be relieved when we touch down in Houston with them in our arms.
Until then, until then feels like the gantlet. I hope I won't, but I may struggle with anxiety until then. I catch myself begging God, as if He likes to withhold good things from me, or keep children out of families.
If you'd like to pray for us, I'd love some prayer for more faith, more hope. If everything goes well, we could bring them home by Christmas. But 50 different things could go wrong, delaying or destroying our adoption plans. Please pray everything about our adoption would go according to his plans -- that nothing from the enemy can stand in the way. That we'll raise the funds. That paperwork will work for us and not against us. That the judges and officials will be favorable to us. That we will celebrate Christmas as a family of six.
I'd love to say I'm cautiously optimistic, but I'm not. I'm vacillating between wildly excited and terrified. So much needs to happen in so little time and SO MANY THINGS can go wrong. When I told my mom we had accepted their referral, she said, "Finally! Aren't you relieved?" and I said NO! I'll be relieved when we touch down in Houston with them in our arms.
Until then, until then feels like the gantlet. I hope I won't, but I may struggle with anxiety until then. I catch myself begging God, as if He likes to withhold good things from me, or keep children out of families.
If you'd like to pray for us, I'd love some prayer for more faith, more hope. If everything goes well, we could bring them home by Christmas. But 50 different things could go wrong, delaying or destroying our adoption plans. Please pray everything about our adoption would go according to his plans -- that nothing from the enemy can stand in the way. That we'll raise the funds. That paperwork will work for us and not against us. That the judges and officials will be favorable to us. That we will celebrate Christmas as a family of six.
21 March 2015
Important Adoption Update
Again, again, sorry for the quiet. I've been waiting for like six weeks for news to share. It's not the news I personally want, but I have accepted it as God's best for me and am hopeful.
In January, I clicked on the picture of a waiting child, a little Treasure, and felt hope for our adoption spring to life within me. I approached Stephen and we took some time before deciding to ask for more information. When we got it, we took some time to pray over whether we should adopt her or not. Then we submitted a document detailing how we would care for her special need (she is blind in both eyes). I went to doctors; I spoke with our regional and state visual impairment specialists. I spent quite a few hours thinking over and planning first steps for us to accommodate this treasure. So we hear back last week that we have no way of knowing if we can adopt her until Stephen turns 30 at the end of July.
You see, she's in China, this precious little spark, and China requires both parents to be 30 years old before they will allow a child to be referred to the couple. And our agency only has her file until April 30th, after which her file will go back into the shared files of China's Special Focus program.
We had 3 options, essentially: wait until Stephen turns 30 and see if she's still available, then begin our adoption again; decide that the timing was wrong and suspend our adoption again; or begin our adoption again in the hopes that she still will be available in July.
I can tell that the trial of our adoption is bearing fruit in that Stephen and I both agreed to continue this process of adopting from China, knowing that we may have a very disappointing July-August. I trust that, if she's supposed to be our daughter, God will allow us to adopt her. And if she isn't, that means she will have been adopted already, which is a big praise, because kiddos with visual impairment don't often get adopted.
And if she isn't supposed to be our daughter, God will bring our daughter to us, and I will look back and bless this long, painful process for the joy added to our family. Still, I'm holding onto hope that we'll bring this little treasure home around Christmas.
In January, I clicked on the picture of a waiting child, a little Treasure, and felt hope for our adoption spring to life within me. I approached Stephen and we took some time before deciding to ask for more information. When we got it, we took some time to pray over whether we should adopt her or not. Then we submitted a document detailing how we would care for her special need (she is blind in both eyes). I went to doctors; I spoke with our regional and state visual impairment specialists. I spent quite a few hours thinking over and planning first steps for us to accommodate this treasure. So we hear back last week that we have no way of knowing if we can adopt her until Stephen turns 30 at the end of July.
You see, she's in China, this precious little spark, and China requires both parents to be 30 years old before they will allow a child to be referred to the couple. And our agency only has her file until April 30th, after which her file will go back into the shared files of China's Special Focus program.
We had 3 options, essentially: wait until Stephen turns 30 and see if she's still available, then begin our adoption again; decide that the timing was wrong and suspend our adoption again; or begin our adoption again in the hopes that she still will be available in July.
I can tell that the trial of our adoption is bearing fruit in that Stephen and I both agreed to continue this process of adopting from China, knowing that we may have a very disappointing July-August. I trust that, if she's supposed to be our daughter, God will allow us to adopt her. And if she isn't, that means she will have been adopted already, which is a big praise, because kiddos with visual impairment don't often get adopted.
And if she isn't supposed to be our daughter, God will bring our daughter to us, and I will look back and bless this long, painful process for the joy added to our family. Still, I'm holding onto hope that we'll bring this little treasure home around Christmas.
28 January 2015
Adoption Update? Embryo Adoption Awareness
About a week ago I posted a Facebook update asking for prayer about making a decision concerning our adoption. We were seriously considering adopting embryos.
Was there a record scratch or a say whaaa in your brain just now? Embryo adoption is totally a thing. There are many, many families who have frozen embryos left over from cycles of IVF that they are unwilling/unable to add to their families. These embryos can be donated to science (where they will die), disposed of (where they will die), or donated/adopted by another family (where they have a chance to be born).
The idea of giving birth to your adopted child is beautiful, and giving life to these lil snowflakes is sweet and precious. And I really wanted another baby. So we were seriously considering it.
Notice I'm using the past tense. I realized over the weekend that, while I think adopting embryos is wonderful and important, I just don't have a conviction that it's what we should do for this adoption. I think I was considering it so seriously was a result of not having much hope that we could adopt internationally. Also known as not a great reason to bring a child into our family.
We are seriously considering adopting a little girl with a special need from China (why China? Well this is pretty much the earliest we could adopt from China, since Stephen turns 30 in July). Please be praying with us that God would give us clarity in our decision.
Want to know more about embryo adoption? Click here! This was not in any way sponsored or something. I just think it's a great thing.
Was there a record scratch or a say whaaa in your brain just now? Embryo adoption is totally a thing. There are many, many families who have frozen embryos left over from cycles of IVF that they are unwilling/unable to add to their families. These embryos can be donated to science (where they will die), disposed of (where they will die), or donated/adopted by another family (where they have a chance to be born).
The idea of giving birth to your adopted child is beautiful, and giving life to these lil snowflakes is sweet and precious. And I really wanted another baby. So we were seriously considering it.
Notice I'm using the past tense. I realized over the weekend that, while I think adopting embryos is wonderful and important, I just don't have a conviction that it's what we should do for this adoption. I think I was considering it so seriously was a result of not having much hope that we could adopt internationally. Also known as not a great reason to bring a child into our family.
We are seriously considering adopting a little girl with a special need from China (why China? Well this is pretty much the earliest we could adopt from China, since Stephen turns 30 in July). Please be praying with us that God would give us clarity in our decision.
Want to know more about embryo adoption? Click here! This was not in any way sponsored or something. I just think it's a great thing.
11 November 2014
Big Adoption Update (part 3)
So, what's the next step in our adoption? I don't know. I feel fairly clearly that we are supposed to wait and not pursue adopting for a time. I have no idea how long that time will be - could be a month, could be five years.
Truth be told, we have spent over $13,000 so far. A chunk of that went to Helene's adoption agency, a chunk went to the government for documents, and a chunk went to Sweet P's agency. The agency fees are standard for where we were in the process. We may be able to adopt with Sweet P's agency, but we may not be able to; they have encouraged their waiting families to seek adoptions elsewhere. A majority of that $13,000 would not help us bring home a child now; we'd need to raise at least $20,000 to adopt internationally at this point. Probably more like $25,000. God can make money flow to his purposes, but that's a lot of money.
We are going to a DFPS info meeting on fostering-to-adopt at the beginning of December, and maybe that will provide some clear direction, but honestly, I'm pretty heartsore right now. I'm not likely to jump at the chance of starting another adoption process very soon, even just for my emotional well-being.
What I really want to do is put the money we've made from garage sales and bake sales and our personal fundraising and make it into a kind of grant for the family who chooses to adopt Sweet P. To be frank, without God moving on a family's heart, she is unlikely to be adopted, since she's 8 or 9 years old and has a serious medical special need. But Stephen and I are still trying to weigh what would be responsible to those who have worked hard to help us adopt and our desires for Sweet P to come home to her family.
Would you consider praying that Sweet P's parents would find her quickly? Her orphanage is excellent, but children deserve good schooling and adequate care and parents.
Also, please don't think we've given up on adopting. I will never give up. God has absolutely called us to adopt. And I don't think we heard wrong when we started the process 3 years ago; I just don't have all the spiritual facts right now. I'm not closing down our Lifesong account because I'm certain we'll use the money that's in there when we adopt. But I love Sweet P, and I want her to feel the love of a mother and a father. She's 9 years old, and she hasn't.
Truth be told, we have spent over $13,000 so far. A chunk of that went to Helene's adoption agency, a chunk went to the government for documents, and a chunk went to Sweet P's agency. The agency fees are standard for where we were in the process. We may be able to adopt with Sweet P's agency, but we may not be able to; they have encouraged their waiting families to seek adoptions elsewhere. A majority of that $13,000 would not help us bring home a child now; we'd need to raise at least $20,000 to adopt internationally at this point. Probably more like $25,000. God can make money flow to his purposes, but that's a lot of money.
We are going to a DFPS info meeting on fostering-to-adopt at the beginning of December, and maybe that will provide some clear direction, but honestly, I'm pretty heartsore right now. I'm not likely to jump at the chance of starting another adoption process very soon, even just for my emotional well-being.
What I really want to do is put the money we've made from garage sales and bake sales and our personal fundraising and make it into a kind of grant for the family who chooses to adopt Sweet P. To be frank, without God moving on a family's heart, she is unlikely to be adopted, since she's 8 or 9 years old and has a serious medical special need. But Stephen and I are still trying to weigh what would be responsible to those who have worked hard to help us adopt and our desires for Sweet P to come home to her family.
Would you consider praying that Sweet P's parents would find her quickly? Her orphanage is excellent, but children deserve good schooling and adequate care and parents.
Also, please don't think we've given up on adopting. I will never give up. God has absolutely called us to adopt. And I don't think we heard wrong when we started the process 3 years ago; I just don't have all the spiritual facts right now. I'm not closing down our Lifesong account because I'm certain we'll use the money that's in there when we adopt. But I love Sweet P, and I want her to feel the love of a mother and a father. She's 9 years old, and she hasn't.
09 November 2014
BIG ADOPTION UPDATE (part 1)
If you follow my blog (you must be a curious sort of person, first off), you might remember this post and this post about a little girl we were waiting to get the referral of. [I do not have the energy to fix that preposition. If you're offended, stew in it, not my problem.]
Just a few days after my hopeless post (it was Friday October 14th), we got her referral: several documents with info on her history, medical information, some personality traits, and two photos. I decided to call her Sweet P, because she is clearly sweet and precious. Stephen and I were unable to talk about it much because he was teaching that Sunday and was very busy preparing.
I spent the whole weekend and the first few days of the next week pretty sure we were going to adopt her. I wasn't elated like a lot of people talk about being when they get "the call," mostly because the decision to parent a person is a really big responsibility, and my legs always feel a little shaky under the weight of being someone's mom. But I was... glowy about it. I suppose I fell in love? I learned to want to know her and to have her smile at me. To cuddle her and be silly. To feed her and pray over her at night. I thought about how on earth we would handle doing the school thing for the first time, and how she would handle the boys, and how srsly how would Ezra handle her (smothering her with attention was my bet).
But as the week went on, as I thought about all of these things, I became more and more uneasy about her life with us. If God sets the lonely in families, would bringing her into our family change that? She has friends where she is, and caregivers to whom she's attached. A family is more than that, better, but not just any family.
Her file said she's shy and doesn't make friends easily. We don't have kids her age; our church doesn't have girls her age either. So school (and sports; she likes soccer) would be her only hope of making friends. But we're leaving for San Antonio in just a couple of years; she would have to start all over, and in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
No one deserves that.
So I cried. A lot. Because it's hard to acknowledge that a child you love is better off with other parents. And my selfish heart wants to claim her and keep her. But God gives us the Spirit so we can be moved to treat others with the unselfish love he has for us.
So I emailed our agency worker (because I couldn't bring myself to call her and sob to someone who hardly knows me) and told her we were choosing not to adopt her.
And I grieved.
[. . .to be continued tomorrow.]
Just a few days after my hopeless post (it was Friday October 14th), we got her referral: several documents with info on her history, medical information, some personality traits, and two photos. I decided to call her Sweet P, because she is clearly sweet and precious. Stephen and I were unable to talk about it much because he was teaching that Sunday and was very busy preparing.
I spent the whole weekend and the first few days of the next week pretty sure we were going to adopt her. I wasn't elated like a lot of people talk about being when they get "the call," mostly because the decision to parent a person is a really big responsibility, and my legs always feel a little shaky under the weight of being someone's mom. But I was... glowy about it. I suppose I fell in love? I learned to want to know her and to have her smile at me. To cuddle her and be silly. To feed her and pray over her at night. I thought about how on earth we would handle doing the school thing for the first time, and how she would handle the boys, and how srsly how would Ezra handle her (smothering her with attention was my bet).
But as the week went on, as I thought about all of these things, I became more and more uneasy about her life with us. If God sets the lonely in families, would bringing her into our family change that? She has friends where she is, and caregivers to whom she's attached. A family is more than that, better, but not just any family.
Her file said she's shy and doesn't make friends easily. We don't have kids her age; our church doesn't have girls her age either. So school (and sports; she likes soccer) would be her only hope of making friends. But we're leaving for San Antonio in just a couple of years; she would have to start all over, and in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
No one deserves that.
So I cried. A lot. Because it's hard to acknowledge that a child you love is better off with other parents. And my selfish heart wants to claim her and keep her. But God gives us the Spirit so we can be moved to treat others with the unselfish love he has for us.
So I emailed our agency worker (because I couldn't bring myself to call her and sob to someone who hardly knows me) and told her we were choosing not to adopt her.
And I grieved.
[. . .to be continued tomorrow.]
28 October 2014
Bob Dylan's 49th Beard
Ever want to break up with yourself? With your "lot in life"? With how emo you are? GET IT TOGETHER, MICHELLE, says the mean me on my shoulder. Above is the title of the best breakup song probably ever. I wish I could grow a beard, bc things are weird between me & myself right now.
Tbh, I could really use some prayer for a faith so real it can keep me functioning when I just want to lay on the floor all day. I'll update you on some big events that have recently transpired when I'm able to think about it without crying, bc srsly so sad over here right now.
Tbh, I could really use some prayer for a faith so real it can keep me functioning when I just want to lay on the floor all day. I'll update you on some big events that have recently transpired when I'm able to think about it without crying, bc srsly so sad over here right now.
01 April 2014
Adoption Update
Well, it's April. It seems the decision about this little person has been made for us by the fact that the orphanage still haven't made the referral, added to the fact that the courts have been making the court dates farther out (sometimes over 2 months from receiving our dossier). Combine both of those with my (albeit slight) pregnancy complication, and it means we would be utterly unreasonable to continue to consider accepting the referral once it (finally) comes. Stephen would probably have to stay in Uganda while I had baby Q (no, his name won't start with Q. Q is short for "Quoi?!?"]
Am I sad? Yes. Poor Stephen found me crying in the shower about it yesterday. [I wish I could give him warning about when I'm going to cry. I think it would help him to feel less alarmed.] This adoption has been so hard for a long time. But I do feel the peace of knowing that I will look back and know that God's hand was on us in this time, by not even giving us the opportunity to have to make a decision about the referral. To have the option and still have to say "no" would have been much harder.
If you would take a moment and pray for this child, that God would swiftly lead Generations to his/her adoptive parents, I'd be grateful.
Am I sad? Yes. Poor Stephen found me crying in the shower about it yesterday. [I wish I could give him warning about when I'm going to cry. I think it would help him to feel less alarmed.] This adoption has been so hard for a long time. But I do feel the peace of knowing that I will look back and know that God's hand was on us in this time, by not even giving us the opportunity to have to make a decision about the referral. To have the option and still have to say "no" would have been much harder.
If you would take a moment and pray for this child, that God would swiftly lead Generations to his/her adoptive parents, I'd be grateful.
06 March 2014
BIG Not-Yet-News
I'm not sure how to write this because I don't really know what to write. We received a call on Friday that may prove very significant to our family. Let me go back to November. Scroll to the end if you want the TL:DR version.
You may remember we started out on the wait list with Generations (Uganda) at number 18 in October 2012. By the end of that December, we were down to #13. The spring of 2013 was very difficult, and we ended the semester at #12. Since we didn't decide to adopt so we could sit for months - or years - on a waiting list, we started pursuing other options.
When we got pregnant in November, we told both agencies we were working with (Uganda and the DRC). It changed nothing about the DRC, since there's no progress in adoptions from there right now anyway. With Uganda, we were told that we'd be put on hold on the list until our new little boy is 6 months old. We wouldn't lose our spot, but we can't accept a referral.
In the meantime, Generations started partnering with an orphanage who cares specifically for children with a medical special need. This special need often carries a stigma beyond its severity. Many adoptive parents-to-be aren't willing to consider adopting children with it, but we are.
So we got a call on Friday from our Uganda program director asking if we'd consider accepting a referral before this little one is born. In fact, we could receive a referral in the next week or two and travel before this kiddo is born!
Naturally, there are a LOT of things to consider and weigh about this decision:
* Family: What is best for our kids (including our to-be-adopted kid)? Will it be more stressful on our family to add a child to our family, and have a baby a month later; or to have a baby and a preschooler and then bring home an adopted child? Where and when will we need (and be able to receive) more help?
* Finances: We still need $6,000-$7,000 more to complete our adoption (including travel and finalization back here in the States). I still have 2 more grants I can apply for, but we haven't received a single grant so far, so I have no confidence that we won't have to scrounge/raise the entire sum. Stephen needs time to raise at least $700 in monthly recurring support, or we may not get full paychecks in the fall, which is a big deal to a family of 5 with a new baby and a child with medical needs.
*** Calling: This one gets three stars because it's the most important. Is God calling us to adopt the child that will be referred to us? We don't know yet. I have absolute confidence that God will enable us to adopt him/her if that is his will. Neither of us has received clarity either way, so we would really appreciate your prayers at this time.
TL:DR Version: we could be accepting the referral of a child in the next week or two and traveling to Uganda this summer (yes, with me weeks away from giving birth). Please pray for us to know God's will.
You may remember we started out on the wait list with Generations (Uganda) at number 18 in October 2012. By the end of that December, we were down to #13. The spring of 2013 was very difficult, and we ended the semester at #12. Since we didn't decide to adopt so we could sit for months - or years - on a waiting list, we started pursuing other options.
When we got pregnant in November, we told both agencies we were working with (Uganda and the DRC). It changed nothing about the DRC, since there's no progress in adoptions from there right now anyway. With Uganda, we were told that we'd be put on hold on the list until our new little boy is 6 months old. We wouldn't lose our spot, but we can't accept a referral.
In the meantime, Generations started partnering with an orphanage who cares specifically for children with a medical special need. This special need often carries a stigma beyond its severity. Many adoptive parents-to-be aren't willing to consider adopting children with it, but we are.
So we got a call on Friday from our Uganda program director asking if we'd consider accepting a referral before this little one is born. In fact, we could receive a referral in the next week or two and travel before this kiddo is born!
Naturally, there are a LOT of things to consider and weigh about this decision:
* Family: What is best for our kids (including our to-be-adopted kid)? Will it be more stressful on our family to add a child to our family, and have a baby a month later; or to have a baby and a preschooler and then bring home an adopted child? Where and when will we need (and be able to receive) more help?
* Finances: We still need $6,000-$7,000 more to complete our adoption (including travel and finalization back here in the States). I still have 2 more grants I can apply for, but we haven't received a single grant so far, so I have no confidence that we won't have to scrounge/raise the entire sum. Stephen needs time to raise at least $700 in monthly recurring support, or we may not get full paychecks in the fall, which is a big deal to a family of 5 with a new baby and a child with medical needs.
*** Calling: This one gets three stars because it's the most important. Is God calling us to adopt the child that will be referred to us? We don't know yet. I have absolute confidence that God will enable us to adopt him/her if that is his will. Neither of us has received clarity either way, so we would really appreciate your prayers at this time.
TL:DR Version: we could be accepting the referral of a child in the next week or two and traveling to Uganda this summer (yes, with me weeks away from giving birth). Please pray for us to know God's will.
06 January 2014
Family Update
WELL, SURPRISE! We're pregnant. No, this bundle of joy was not premeditated and, while it was no "immaculate conception," I believe God's hand was quite at work in making it come about. I went to the doctor before Christmas and saw little baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks 1 day! Babies (and women) are amazing.
We were hoping to have more concrete news about our adoption to share before we made the news public, but I shared with the whole world that I was expecting Ezra about an hour after I found out, and I didn't want anyone to think we were ashamed of this child. How could we be? What a blessing.
That being said, I sure hope we are twice blessed this year, but we have not yet received clear direction on whether to wait on the Congo and hope we can adopt H, or to search out a waiting child we can adopt this year. Before we received our last update, we were thinking we would be able to travel and bring home H in November, with a little baby in tow - not ideal, but you do what you have to for your kids. With the likely extenuation of the suspension, that no longer seems likely, and the future of Congolese adoptions for quite some time is in question. Trust me, we are not making this decision lightly, as H is very important to us, but we were never guaranteed by God that she was meant to be our daughter, and I have been guilty of putting my hopes in her instead of in the Lord, a lesson He has been teaching me with a firm but merciful hand.
All that being said, our next bio child and our next adopted child are two different children. Thus pregnancy does not annul or diminish our desire, nor possibly even delay our adoption. We wait on the Lord for His guidance and would appreciate your prayers. In the meantime, I start my prenatal appointments with our midwife next week and am happy to have a new life to look forward to!
P.S. You know your adoption "journey" has been crazy when you sigh with relief at the stability of pregnancy! A due date is a beautiful thing.
We were hoping to have more concrete news about our adoption to share before we made the news public, but I shared with the whole world that I was expecting Ezra about an hour after I found out, and I didn't want anyone to think we were ashamed of this child. How could we be? What a blessing.
That being said, I sure hope we are twice blessed this year, but we have not yet received clear direction on whether to wait on the Congo and hope we can adopt H, or to search out a waiting child we can adopt this year. Before we received our last update, we were thinking we would be able to travel and bring home H in November, with a little baby in tow - not ideal, but you do what you have to for your kids. With the likely extenuation of the suspension, that no longer seems likely, and the future of Congolese adoptions for quite some time is in question. Trust me, we are not making this decision lightly, as H is very important to us, but we were never guaranteed by God that she was meant to be our daughter, and I have been guilty of putting my hopes in her instead of in the Lord, a lesson He has been teaching me with a firm but merciful hand.
All that being said, our next bio child and our next adopted child are two different children. Thus pregnancy does not annul or diminish our desire, nor possibly even delay our adoption. We wait on the Lord for His guidance and would appreciate your prayers. In the meantime, I start my prenatal appointments with our midwife next week and am happy to have a new life to look forward to!
P.S. You know your adoption "journey" has been crazy when you sigh with relief at the stability of pregnancy! A due date is a beautiful thing.
04 January 2014
Adoption Update-ish
I won't write anything morose on here, though those feelings do come and go right now. But I did want to update for two reasons:
1) Our city approval came for our Trot for a Tot 5k - if you know a runner, a group of runners, a member of a fraternity or sorority, a member of a FLO, or any other member of a group of people with whom announcements are made in College Station, I'd love to make the connection to spread the word about our run. Also, if you know any business that would like to advertise or to donate in a tax-deductible way, there are plenty of opportunities to do so!
2) Please be in prayer as we consider what God would want for our family with regards to our adoption. There are so many things always happening (especially at the beginning of the semester and at the beginning stages of planning a church plant); it can be easy to push to the back things that aren't in front of our faces and clamoring for attention. We don't want to miss God's whisper to change direction, nor to remain steadfast.
2013 was not my favorite year of my life, but I know it was a year that produced much fruit in my life, and much of that has to do with the difficulties of our adoption. Two months ago, I was certain 2014 would be the year we brought home our child, but now I cannot be. What I am certain of, however, is God's ability to use our circumstances to make me more like Jesus, and in that hope I can trust and be secure.
1) Our city approval came for our Trot for a Tot 5k - if you know a runner, a group of runners, a member of a fraternity or sorority, a member of a FLO, or any other member of a group of people with whom announcements are made in College Station, I'd love to make the connection to spread the word about our run. Also, if you know any business that would like to advertise or to donate in a tax-deductible way, there are plenty of opportunities to do so!
2) Please be in prayer as we consider what God would want for our family with regards to our adoption. There are so many things always happening (especially at the beginning of the semester and at the beginning stages of planning a church plant); it can be easy to push to the back things that aren't in front of our faces and clamoring for attention. We don't want to miss God's whisper to change direction, nor to remain steadfast.
2013 was not my favorite year of my life, but I know it was a year that produced much fruit in my life, and much of that has to do with the difficulties of our adoption. Two months ago, I was certain 2014 would be the year we brought home our child, but now I cannot be. What I am certain of, however, is God's ability to use our circumstances to make me more like Jesus, and in that hope I can trust and be secure.
09 December 2013
Adoption Update
I should have written this like 2 weeks ago, but this semester has kicked my tail. So tired.
Those of you who've been following our adoption closely (I mean, if you're here, I'm assuming that's you) know the halt with the Democratic Republic of the Congo. So we've decided to wait to pursue adopting H. Our DRC adoption program director thinks the suspension is likely to last the whole year (so until the end of September, 2014) and that the Congo will likely introduce more legislation on their process to adopt internationally. So, if we were to continue the process now, it is possible we would adopt H legally and never be able to bring her home, which would be devastating emotionally and crippling financially.
So, we're going to wait and see how it goes. We will reassess in April or May to see if they've made changes to the laws or if changes seem "in the works." If the DRC lifts the suspension early, we will probably continue the process immediately. We don't want her waiting longer than she needs to, but we cannot afford to have a child living in a different country.
This could end poorly for us: the DRC has plenty of rules already in place; it is entirely possible that they will add a requirement we simply cannot meet (in-country residency, being a national, specific income amount). But we remain hopeful that the Lord's favor will be upon H and our family.
Those of you who've been following our adoption closely (I mean, if you're here, I'm assuming that's you) know the halt with the Democratic Republic of the Congo. So we've decided to wait to pursue adopting H. Our DRC adoption program director thinks the suspension is likely to last the whole year (so until the end of September, 2014) and that the Congo will likely introduce more legislation on their process to adopt internationally. So, if we were to continue the process now, it is possible we would adopt H legally and never be able to bring her home, which would be devastating emotionally and crippling financially.
So, we're going to wait and see how it goes. We will reassess in April or May to see if they've made changes to the laws or if changes seem "in the works." If the DRC lifts the suspension early, we will probably continue the process immediately. We don't want her waiting longer than she needs to, but we cannot afford to have a child living in a different country.
This could end poorly for us: the DRC has plenty of rules already in place; it is entirely possible that they will add a requirement we simply cannot meet (in-country residency, being a national, specific income amount). But we remain hopeful that the Lord's favor will be upon H and our family.
17 November 2013
Heartbreak?
We received a terrible email today from the program director of our adoption agency. Please pray for our adoption to be an exception, for us to be able to adopt our little H, and that God will miraculously change the hearts of the leaders of the Congo. Many lives are at stake.
Ugh that sounds obnoxiously dramatic, but it's unfortunately true. Most orphans and orphanages do not have resources from which to draw in the Congo. Those who care for them are forced to endure inadequate resources constantly. It's just not what it should be like.
I will update you more after we speak personally with our agency and figure out what our director thinks we should do. Please pray that God will give us clarity and conviction, and that we will be faithful to present our requests to God with thanksgiving, and in doing so, receive His promised peace.
Ugh that sounds obnoxiously dramatic, but it's unfortunately true. Most orphans and orphanages do not have resources from which to draw in the Congo. Those who care for them are forced to endure inadequate resources constantly. It's just not what it should be like.
I will update you more after we speak personally with our agency and figure out what our director thinks we should do. Please pray that God will give us clarity and conviction, and that we will be faithful to present our requests to God with thanksgiving, and in doing so, receive His promised peace.
03 November 2013
Discipline from the Lord
This Summer I received what I would call a hint from the Lord, in the form of a book I reread. The author is a mother of four very young children, and she wrote a short bit about striking the word "overwhelmed" from her vocabulary. The idea is that you cannot be overwhelmed by your daily life; you just need to live it. Sometimes we hide behind words, or we give them more power than they ever should have.
I was inspired by the idea. I feel like our generation has caught some sort of "overwhelmed" virus and suffer from the effects almost constantly in every area of our lives. I think this should not be. So I took the hint and decided not to allow myself to be overwhelmed anymore.
lol.
Turns out I'm sneakier than I thought. This morning I received a much-needed talking-to from God about what I'd been doing instead of telling myself I was overwhelmed: complaining. Ugh! complaining about good things from the Lord... No no Michelle! That's no no.
This week will be full. There is a lot more to do than I want to. BUT. I should not be complaining about gifts from the Lord! Crazy child! I need to lean into the Lord, to hold His hand and be with Him, not busy myself while muttering over and over all the things I need to do and how I don't really want to do them.
That's all. <3
I was inspired by the idea. I feel like our generation has caught some sort of "overwhelmed" virus and suffer from the effects almost constantly in every area of our lives. I think this should not be. So I took the hint and decided not to allow myself to be overwhelmed anymore.
lol.
Turns out I'm sneakier than I thought. This morning I received a much-needed talking-to from God about what I'd been doing instead of telling myself I was overwhelmed: complaining. Ugh! complaining about good things from the Lord... No no Michelle! That's no no.
This week will be full. There is a lot more to do than I want to. BUT. I should not be complaining about gifts from the Lord! Crazy child! I need to lean into the Lord, to hold His hand and be with Him, not busy myself while muttering over and over all the things I need to do and how I don't really want to do them.
That's all. <3
09 September 2013
Worldly Sorrow
If you know me IRL, you'd probably nod your head in agreement that I'm not the type of person to beat myself up about things I've done wrong. It's just not part of my personality to think of myself as a "bad person," and it took a long time (and a pretty serious downwardly-spiraling life) for me to realize I couldn't just do my thang in life and be okay.
And most of the time, I don't even mind that part of my personality - I married someone who's definitely the opposite in this area, and man, it just seems tiring to be wondering all the time if you're violating your inner conscience. I tend to think, look, if I do, I'm sure it'll tell me, amiright?
Which is why motherhood kind of threw me for a loop. Yesterday morning, Steve, one of our pastors, spoke on repentance. One point he highlighted was on godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow, and the Holy Spirit pretty much opened my chest and strung out the last two years before me, a huge pile of worldly sorrow accumulating mass every day.
I have been beaten down my worldly sorrow for my inability to be the parent I want to be for Ezra. I have been paralyzed by it, drowned in it. I have not repented nearly often enough for my lack of reliance on the Holy Spirit to make me more like Jesus. This worldly sorrow has robbed me of so much hope that God is able to do more than I can even hope for in my and my son's lives. Ugh, I'm so done with it.
Epilogue: It's kind of nice, isn't it? Eight years after my first real experience with repentance, I'm still plumbing the depths of God's grace and sufficiency and our relationship. I hope it never ends, exploring His love and letting Him in. He is so, so good to me.
And most of the time, I don't even mind that part of my personality - I married someone who's definitely the opposite in this area, and man, it just seems tiring to be wondering all the time if you're violating your inner conscience. I tend to think, look, if I do, I'm sure it'll tell me, amiright?
Which is why motherhood kind of threw me for a loop. Yesterday morning, Steve, one of our pastors, spoke on repentance. One point he highlighted was on godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow, and the Holy Spirit pretty much opened my chest and strung out the last two years before me, a huge pile of worldly sorrow accumulating mass every day.
I have been beaten down my worldly sorrow for my inability to be the parent I want to be for Ezra. I have been paralyzed by it, drowned in it. I have not repented nearly often enough for my lack of reliance on the Holy Spirit to make me more like Jesus. This worldly sorrow has robbed me of so much hope that God is able to do more than I can even hope for in my and my son's lives. Ugh, I'm so done with it.
Epilogue: It's kind of nice, isn't it? Eight years after my first real experience with repentance, I'm still plumbing the depths of God's grace and sufficiency and our relationship. I hope it never ends, exploring His love and letting Him in. He is so, so good to me.
19 August 2013
Update
Oh, I'm so boring these days. I mean to do updates on things: washing my hair without using shampoo, moving back to Texas after a summer in Colorado, Ezra, the start of the semester. But I have a really hard time mustering up the energy when I feel so maxed. I'm not actually busy; I mean, my husband is totally busy, and there are a number of events in the next few weeks that I need to work around for his schedule.
But (surely I'm not the only one? right? anybody?) when I get stressed out, it's like I can't do anything. Or absolutely anything seems overwhelming. I forget to do basic things (like cook dinner), and even the thought of texting someone I really enjoy feels like too much.
So, we got little H's blood work back, a current picture, and her parental status. Good and bad and good but still a leap of faith. I think a good bit of the stress is that Stephen hasn't made up his mind that this is what we should do. I cannot imagine being the type of person who calmly mulls a huge decision over in the course of a week. It sounds amazing and horrible. How do you wait that long to do ANYTHING? How do you stay calm about something that will change your life? Like "choosing" a child? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!? [Introverts, if you want to take a pause to distance yourself from my hare-like mania, now's an appropriate time. Stephen does it too, and it doesn't offend me.]
I absolutely do appreciate that I'm partnered with someone who does not just decide to plow through life like he's being chased by a tiger. But being "in the decision-making process" feels like the TIGER IS GOING TO GET US HURRY RUUUUUUUUUNNN!
[Please don't read that Stephen and I are in a fight; we totally are not even a little. This is just what it's like to be balanced by your spouse in an area where you're both way off-center.] I know for a fact Stephen often feels like we make decisions precipitously. But we like never ever do; we just have to decide SOMETHING at SOME point. So we make a good, but very uncomfortable, team.
Also, the thought of all the paperwork we will need to do when we do decide is SO overwhelming because I have to request several documents all over again, have them translated (which I'm not sure I can do myself, and I'm not sure how much it will cost), and have them notarized, AND THEN have them apostilled (notarizing on steroids).
All at the beginning of the Fall semester, so like the busiest month of our entire year.
Truth be told, once the decision is made, I will have a fire lit under my bum that burns so ardently for my daughter that I'll show these documents who's Mom in this house and they won't even know who retrieved them and had them translated and notarized and apostilled. But we're not there yet, so I'm deflated and tired and stressed out to the point of being nearly immobilized. Really, it's only my belief that I'd have to have some other quirks and shortcomings that keeps me from getting irritated at God for giving me this personality. I certainly wouldn't rather be Stephen. He works so hard!
But (surely I'm not the only one? right? anybody?) when I get stressed out, it's like I can't do anything. Or absolutely anything seems overwhelming. I forget to do basic things (like cook dinner), and even the thought of texting someone I really enjoy feels like too much.
So, we got little H's blood work back, a current picture, and her parental status. Good and bad and good but still a leap of faith. I think a good bit of the stress is that Stephen hasn't made up his mind that this is what we should do. I cannot imagine being the type of person who calmly mulls a huge decision over in the course of a week. It sounds amazing and horrible. How do you wait that long to do ANYTHING? How do you stay calm about something that will change your life? Like "choosing" a child? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!? [Introverts, if you want to take a pause to distance yourself from my hare-like mania, now's an appropriate time. Stephen does it too, and it doesn't offend me.]
I absolutely do appreciate that I'm partnered with someone who does not just decide to plow through life like he's being chased by a tiger. But being "in the decision-making process" feels like the TIGER IS GOING TO GET US HURRY RUUUUUUUUUNNN!
[Please don't read that Stephen and I are in a fight; we totally are not even a little. This is just what it's like to be balanced by your spouse in an area where you're both way off-center.] I know for a fact Stephen often feels like we make decisions precipitously. But we like never ever do; we just have to decide SOMETHING at SOME point. So we make a good, but very uncomfortable, team.
Also, the thought of all the paperwork we will need to do when we do decide is SO overwhelming because I have to request several documents all over again, have them translated (which I'm not sure I can do myself, and I'm not sure how much it will cost), and have them notarized, AND THEN have them apostilled (notarizing on steroids).
All at the beginning of the Fall semester, so like the busiest month of our entire year.
Truth be told, once the decision is made, I will have a fire lit under my bum that burns so ardently for my daughter that I'll show these documents who's Mom in this house and they won't even know who retrieved them and had them translated and notarized and apostilled. But we're not there yet, so I'm deflated and tired and stressed out to the point of being nearly immobilized. Really, it's only my belief that I'd have to have some other quirks and shortcomings that keeps me from getting irritated at God for giving me this personality. I certainly wouldn't rather be Stephen. He works so hard!
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