Did you know I've been a mom for ten years?
I mean, not really, but also yes, really.
My first son, my birth son, was born ten years ago.
I don't tend to carry a lot of memories with me; I've come up with several different guesses as to why that is, but they're just me judging myself with varying levels of severity. But I remember so much from the 7 months I (knowingly) carried him.
I am so proud that I got to be his first mom. It's hard for me to understand why God would take some really big mistakes I made and redeem them by allowing him to be born. And why he would gently and clearly lead me through the process of letting him go to be with the family God ordained. And he's allowed me contact with my birth son and his family, so I get to see him growing up into the amazing person God formed in my womb. What an honor.
Carrying and birthing him made me a mom. It changed me. It made me more like Jesus, in choosing love that wants good for that person and not just what I want for myself. It really felt like my heart was breaking, for a long time.
Despite the grief, I've never regretted my decision. Really, not ever. But that's probably because I know I was obeying God. It reminds me of Luke 11, where that person shouted at Jesus "blessed is the woman who birthed and nursed you!" and he was like "Actually, blessed is the person who obeys God's word" [Michelle's paraphrased version]. Even tho Mary was obviously totally blessed, Jesus reveals that obeying God is a gift he gives to us. In his presence there is fullness of joy. I have received so much joy from my first son.
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
20 January 2016
18 December 2015
FINALLY Introducing...
The judge said "Yes!" So introducing:
Stella Muenich, age 4
Stella is actually laughing in this picture because she put her sister in the wardrobe. It's pretty obvious she's going to be inciting disobedience in our house. I mean, what's a big sister to do but try and get her younger siblings in trouble? She also really likes to help me do basically anything. She is so precious to me.
Also introducing:
Mirah Muenich, age 2
This child is so sassy. I don't think we've seen a lot of her personality because she was so sick when we got her, but this girl. She's gonna be a handful in the best way.
These are pictures from the last two days we had our girls. I don't think I'll share pictures of them from much earlier -- they're kind of hard to look at for anyone who knows what grief looks like in children. Besides, Mirah was so sick.
28 October 2015
Dreams
One thing I really appreciate about having my parents be my parents is I've learned to be pragmatic. If I'd had different parents, my dreamer side could have overwhelmed the rest of me. I want to do crazy things for Jesus, big things that shake the world. But I also want to not let my grand imaginings crowd out the fact that most of the amazing things God does aren't on the romantic, adventurous side of the scale, but definitely in the small, inner, daily movings of the Spirit.
In some ways, our adoption is pretty heavily on the adventure side. I mean, yeah, I think that's obvious. And I think that's why I have a lot of dreams. And I've been having to practice letting dreams die. Some of them are big: I dream our children will all love each other very well, and will support and protect each other with the fierceness I feel for each of them. I dream our daughters will be able to grow up with a deep understanding of their inherent value, and that nothing this culture (or the sinners who inhabit it) says or does can shake that inner knowing. Those are big dreams (not impossible, but big).
But the small dreams are hard too. I'm trying to include them in some of our family things, like decorating lil pumpkins for them when the boys decorated theirs. That dream was literally rained on (and of course I didn't get a picture before). So this is what will go in their books:
Edited: Okay, the picture makes the pumpkins look not so bad. But srsly, they look rough.
I've been realizing also how tightly I'm holding on to the dream of having them home for Christmas (see the Christmas sweaters from my last post). I'm a celebrator and I love Jesus, so Christmastime is special. Going for chilly walks to look at lights in our parks. Watching our Christmas movie together. Talking through Advent (especially with Ezra, who loves babies and now the Bible). Christmas morning, together as a family. Buying them their first Christmas present from Mom & Dad. I just get carried away with it.
I'm not saying it won't happen. It still could. I just want to be okay if it doesn't. So I try to remember all the times God has said No and I've thought later what a great "no" it was, and how awful it had been if He'd said yes. So then, after some work, I want what I want (duh), but I really want what God wants. Until I forget and dream again.
In some ways, our adoption is pretty heavily on the adventure side. I mean, yeah, I think that's obvious. And I think that's why I have a lot of dreams. And I've been having to practice letting dreams die. Some of them are big: I dream our children will all love each other very well, and will support and protect each other with the fierceness I feel for each of them. I dream our daughters will be able to grow up with a deep understanding of their inherent value, and that nothing this culture (or the sinners who inhabit it) says or does can shake that inner knowing. Those are big dreams (not impossible, but big).
But the small dreams are hard too. I'm trying to include them in some of our family things, like decorating lil pumpkins for them when the boys decorated theirs. That dream was literally rained on (and of course I didn't get a picture before). So this is what will go in their books:
 |
| Our big pumpkin also can't be carved bc it's rotten & gross on the bottom. |
Edited: Okay, the picture makes the pumpkins look not so bad. But srsly, they look rough.
I've been realizing also how tightly I'm holding on to the dream of having them home for Christmas (see the Christmas sweaters from my last post). I'm a celebrator and I love Jesus, so Christmastime is special. Going for chilly walks to look at lights in our parks. Watching our Christmas movie together. Talking through Advent (especially with Ezra, who loves babies and now the Bible). Christmas morning, together as a family. Buying them their first Christmas present from Mom & Dad. I just get carried away with it.
I'm not saying it won't happen. It still could. I just want to be okay if it doesn't. So I try to remember all the times God has said No and I've thought later what a great "no" it was, and how awful it had been if He'd said yes. So then, after some work, I want what I want (duh), but I really want what God wants. Until I forget and dream again.
07 October 2014
Heart-sick
Do you remember a time when you couldn't pinpoint a feeling you were having until someone else named it? As a mom, I can assure you it happened a lot, at least when you were young (teaching Ezra feeling words is quite the challenge, as everything comes out angry, and we have to dig to find the real feelings).
I couldn't name how I was feeling about our adoption until I saw the word on a friend's blog, totally unrelated to my situation, but so poignant: despair. I don't want to talk about, even think about our adoption, because I am despairing of it ever actually happening.
I have lost hope.
Whew, that is a bitter sentence to speak, and the tears I cry just reading it are bitter. But even that is better than no tears, for me at least. My heart is so sick within me that I haven't been able to cry the tears that would flow from a tender place.
In an honest moment like this one, I can admit I don't believe we will adopt. It feels impossible. It would take too many good things happening in an area of my life where I have experienced nothing but disappointment and loss. Courts have become hostile, referrals have ceased, and we lost the opportunity to adopt a precious little girl because of her government, after we'd already begun to try and bring her home. We were told we'd receive a referral of an orphan (waiting for her family) in July that has still not been received. It has been three years since we decided to adopt.
The only hope I have is in the Lord, and he's been so quiet, so quiet, for so long in this area. Still, he has not said to stop, and I know he'd have enough mercy on us to tell me when to actually give up. Sometimes I guess you have to trust that he is who he says he is, even when he's not overtly showing you. I do believe (a tiny bit) that I will see his goodness in this plan someday. I just don't know how.
I couldn't name how I was feeling about our adoption until I saw the word on a friend's blog, totally unrelated to my situation, but so poignant: despair. I don't want to talk about, even think about our adoption, because I am despairing of it ever actually happening.
I have lost hope.
Whew, that is a bitter sentence to speak, and the tears I cry just reading it are bitter. But even that is better than no tears, for me at least. My heart is so sick within me that I haven't been able to cry the tears that would flow from a tender place.
In an honest moment like this one, I can admit I don't believe we will adopt. It feels impossible. It would take too many good things happening in an area of my life where I have experienced nothing but disappointment and loss. Courts have become hostile, referrals have ceased, and we lost the opportunity to adopt a precious little girl because of her government, after we'd already begun to try and bring her home. We were told we'd receive a referral of an orphan (waiting for her family) in July that has still not been received. It has been three years since we decided to adopt.
The only hope I have is in the Lord, and he's been so quiet, so quiet, for so long in this area. Still, he has not said to stop, and I know he'd have enough mercy on us to tell me when to actually give up. Sometimes I guess you have to trust that he is who he says he is, even when he's not overtly showing you. I do believe (a tiny bit) that I will see his goodness in this plan someday. I just don't know how.
11 July 2013
A Call to Prayer
Dear friends,
I am asking for your prayers on our behalf today. We have identified a child who could possibly be our daughter (whose file is being "held" for us pending her blood work). I cannot give you details except that she is in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
We could really use prayers for guidance, peace, and clarity of vision while we wait for her medical report. I'm trying to not get too excited and to submit this decision before the Lord. I don't know when we'll get her blood work back, but I will certainly let you all know!
Financially, it's a little unclear how much we'd need. We have a little over $8,000 right now, but we haven't received an itemized list of fees, nor the schedule at what time they're due, just a rough estimate. So it's hard to know what we need and when. But, if this little one is meant for us, God will light the way in finances as well.
Much love.
I am asking for your prayers on our behalf today. We have identified a child who could possibly be our daughter (whose file is being "held" for us pending her blood work). I cannot give you details except that she is in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
We could really use prayers for guidance, peace, and clarity of vision while we wait for her medical report. I'm trying to not get too excited and to submit this decision before the Lord. I don't know when we'll get her blood work back, but I will certainly let you all know!
Financially, it's a little unclear how much we'd need. We have a little over $8,000 right now, but we haven't received an itemized list of fees, nor the schedule at what time they're due, just a rough estimate. So it's hard to know what we need and when. But, if this little one is meant for us, God will light the way in finances as well.
Much love.
06 June 2013
Dreams
I don't remember many of my dreams, but usually the ones I do remember are the stress dreams. I had so many when Ezra started walking quickly: he'd be right next to me, and I'd look up to answer someone's question, and look right back to see him jumping off a cliff or into a swimming pool (filled with jellyfish!).
Last night (early this morning, rather) I had a different sort of dream. So, my mom, my brother (Matt), and I were digging in the ground (for some logical reason I've forgotten) kind of near a bank (not the river kind, the fiduciary kind). All of a sudden, we start digging up people's wallets, I mean twenty or thirty wallets. In one wallet, we found a $20,000 bill. Incredulous, we brought the wallets into the bank to turn them in. The teller and the manager went through and discovered that the owners of the wallets were dead, which somehow meant that the cash (it was all bills, no checks or anything) belonged to us now: a total of a little over $30,000. My mom looked at me with a smile and said, "Well, what do you want to do with it?"
And, in the dream, I started crying, because it meant we could adopt now, the way we wanted, and not have to worry about fundraising, or scrimping to save, or getting to a point in the process and not having enough money to go forward, or having to stop because expenses were higher than projected. I felt unburdened, free! We could commit to a specific child, our child, the very next day.
It was a good dream. But not real. But it was a good reminder that I can trust God, even though the money aspect of our adoption is not working the way I'd want it to. I let God control the outcome of my efforts in many other areas, but I haven't surrendered my children enough to be unburdened by the process of bringing one of them home.
I suppose I'll work on that.
Last night (early this morning, rather) I had a different sort of dream. So, my mom, my brother (Matt), and I were digging in the ground (for some logical reason I've forgotten) kind of near a bank (not the river kind, the fiduciary kind). All of a sudden, we start digging up people's wallets, I mean twenty or thirty wallets. In one wallet, we found a $20,000 bill. Incredulous, we brought the wallets into the bank to turn them in. The teller and the manager went through and discovered that the owners of the wallets were dead, which somehow meant that the cash (it was all bills, no checks or anything) belonged to us now: a total of a little over $30,000. My mom looked at me with a smile and said, "Well, what do you want to do with it?"
And, in the dream, I started crying, because it meant we could adopt now, the way we wanted, and not have to worry about fundraising, or scrimping to save, or getting to a point in the process and not having enough money to go forward, or having to stop because expenses were higher than projected. I felt unburdened, free! We could commit to a specific child, our child, the very next day.
It was a good dream. But not real. But it was a good reminder that I can trust God, even though the money aspect of our adoption is not working the way I'd want it to. I let God control the outcome of my efforts in many other areas, but I haven't surrendered my children enough to be unburdened by the process of bringing one of them home.
I suppose I'll work on that.
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