Homestudy Update

We're having to update our homestudy to align is with DRC's requirements. It will involve another homestudy and updating our information on our assets and incomes. When we receive that update, we'll be able to send our dossier to be apostilled, translated, and begin the process of legally adopting little miss H in the Congo.

I'll include a more thorough breakdown of costs for the first ever in quite a while Fundraising Friday, but please be praying that this process will move quickly, but also that the finances will come in as we need them., and that we will have an understanding of how God wants to provide, since almost all of the fees and expenses will be in the next 4-6 weeks, and we do not have all the funds at present.

On a spiritual note, I'm feeling so much hope and confidence that H is our daughter and that God wants to bless our family by adding her specifically to it. My faith and confidence on how I'll do as a parent of a very active and spirited preschooler (3 is preschooler, right?) and a toddler who has experienced profound loss(es) in her short and precious life, well, that's not as strong. If you'd like to join me in praying that God will prepare me to mother this miracle of God's love, provision, and mercy, I'd really appreciate it.

Room in my heart

Just a little lyric from a little song: "I make room in my heart, God."

Singing it on Sunday morning, I got a clear picture from the Lord. Opening my heart (my claymation heart, I dunno, but that was the look), stretching it to see its contents, and finding that the room I was making in my heart was filled with junk: sawdust, cotton batting, bits of string.

I've never had to oust anything from my heart to make room for God. In fact, every time I've opened more of my heart to God, he has enlarged it. My heart holds to much more, so much closer, than when I first believed.

Honestly, I may still be the most selfish person you ever meet (I make neither promises nor threats in that department), but God has done a miracle with my heart, that it could even have room for anyone else in any capacity.

Worldly Sorrow

If you know me IRL, you'd probably nod your head in agreement that I'm not the type of person to beat myself up about things I've done wrong. It's just not part of my personality to think of myself as a "bad person," and it took a long time (and a pretty serious downwardly-spiraling life) for me to realize I couldn't just do my thang in life and be okay.

And most of the time, I don't even mind that part of my personality - I married someone who's definitely the opposite in this area, and man, it just seems tiring to be wondering all the time if you're violating your inner conscience. I tend to think, look, if I do, I'm sure it'll tell me, amiright?

Which is why motherhood kind of threw me for a loop. Yesterday morning, Steve, one of our pastors, spoke on repentance. One point he highlighted was on godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow, and the Holy Spirit pretty much opened my chest and strung out the last two years before me, a huge pile of worldly sorrow accumulating mass every day.

I have been beaten down my worldly sorrow for my inability to be the parent I want to be for Ezra. I have been paralyzed by it, drowned in it. I have not repented nearly often enough for my lack of reliance on the Holy Spirit to make me more like Jesus. This worldly sorrow has robbed me of so much hope that God is able to do more than I can even hope for in my and my son's lives. Ugh, I'm so done with it.



Epilogue: It's kind of nice, isn't it? Eight years after my first real experience with repentance, I'm still plumbing the depths of God's grace and sufficiency and our relationship. I hope it never ends, exploring His love and letting Him in. He is so, so good to me.

Shampoo-less Hair Care Update

Wow, I didn't realize what a difference not using shampoo to wash my hair was making until I stopped for two weeks. My hair was dry and frizzy, and my scalp was SO ANGRY. So angry. 

So I've gone back to my beautiful baking soda (with a drop or two of lavender oil to add some pretty smell) and my apple cider vinegar. I doubt I'll go back, but now I have to figure out how to travel for more than two days with this set up.

That's it.

Upon the Waters

If I could tell you how many nights I chew the skin off my lips, rub my eyes until I see stars, and tell God I just can't. I can't do this anymore.

Stephen was gracious enough to help me understand that it's a Peter thing. I see what Jesus is doing, I step out on the waters, and realize HOLEY CRAP I'M TRYING TO STAND ON WATER. And I fall.

And usually, somehow, I end up pointing my bony finger at God and accusing Him, as if He is only a voice leading me in the dark, in a world full of predators lurking just beyond my periphery. As if He doesn't cradle me in His hand. As if it would even be best for me to get what I want when I want. As if He isn't good.

This song is beautiful and I love it, and I want to sing it with confidence. God knows I'm a fickle follower and cannot promise tomorrow. But tonight, I will rest, knowing He will complete our adoption in His perfect timing, and I'll continue fashioning my ebenezer stone to plant at His feet, a testament to His faithfulness.