Merry Christmas!

I'll be off the internet for almost another week, but hopefully I'll have some fun things to share with you when I return. For now, wish us luck as I fly with Ezra for the first time!

Crying

Sometimes I like it. Most of the time I don't mind. But sometimes it just gets a little ridiculous. I like being a passionate person (all in all). But the crying? I mean, snuggling my baby, movies, commercials, a good memory, a moving thought... I cry a lot. Not necessarily boo-hoo, but you know. Tears.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I think this next season of my life is going to be tearful. Preparing to parent a child who is coming from a place of such loss... I hope I get used to it, cause I can't cry every time I think about it. Right? And I'm sure there will be tears of frustration during the waiting and the having to get everything right and in order and while humming the tune they want while standing on my head... Well, I'm not excited for all the tears.

But mostly the thinking about Baby A. When I think about Ezra not having someone to hold him when he's upset, or to look back at him in delight when he figures something new out and searches for someone to be proud of him. Not having someone to quiet him when his gums hurt at night. Not having that safe person, that haven. The mommy and the daddy. It's hard to bear thinking of the situations orphans come out of. And even while living in well-run and well-meaning institutions... well they don't have the ability to care for the kids the way parents do. I know it will become more and more real.

I don't have to grieve the loss of biological children the way many couples who struggle with infertility have to. But I will have to grieve the loss of control. The loss of protection. The inability to mother my child until s/he is with me. And that's going to be hard.

I just ask, "Lord, would You make these tears productive in whatever way You want? I want Your heart for Baby A."

Accepted!

YAAAAAY! Honestly, I was a little afraid they wouldn't accept us on account of our piddly pay, but they did. Thanks, Jesus! 

Step 1 of like 300 is complete!

Serious Crafting

Is currently going on. I definitely am less-than-three-ing Pinterest right now. I shmay take some pics, but since they're mostly Christmas prezzies, I won't show them soon. Some are turning out surprisingly well. Some are sadly (read: maddeningly) not. I'll try to not make this a silent D-cember (what with the traveling and such), but I make no promises.
Mini-rant: no one carries 1.5mm leather in this town. Which, I suppose, is fine. Also, fabric-tac is not as tacky as one would suppose.

Things, Stuff, and Jesus

I have decided not to buy clothes for a year. So, from December to December, no clothes.

I decided as I was driving by a house in our neighborhood. It's not a new house or even a super fancy house. But it's beautiful, and definitely nicer than ours. And just lovely, with a porch and a little guest house and real, green grass. And I want it. I even let out a little sigh every time I drive past.

But that's ridiculous. Our house is a wonderful gift from God. It's amazing that we can afford to buy a home with rooms for us, Ezra, and even a guest bedroom. It's situated very well and in good shape. I should be looking around all the time in amazement that we are buying our 15 year old house without much of a problem.

And it's not just homes (there are a couple others that are sigh-inducing). I just want a lot of stuff. All the time I'm wanting things. It just feels icky after a while. Honestly, how much of my heart/time/mental energy is devoted to wanting things? I don't know, but more than I'd like to admit. I want to be free!

And I don't really buy other things, and I love clothes and shoes and accessories (you may not know by looking at me, but it's true). So no clothes. I'm definitely going to need the aid of the Holy Spirit on this one.