Hand to the plow

I was convicted yesterday morning of putting my hand to the plow and looking back. Really, my hand is lashed to the plow -- it's not like I'm going to leave my family -- but every day is a struggle to embrace this season of life and not wish it was different.

Nothing crazy is going on behaviorally, I just have four little kids when I previously had two. Two of those kids don't speak English very well, and one of those kids is just starting to feel "safe" enough to say how she really feels about things... which I know I should be glad of, but, you see, I don't like whining. Also wading into the world of crying, and I feel almost bewildered. Ezra has never once sat down and cried when he was upset. I am not kidding. He may cry while he hits something, or throws something, or yells angrily what he wants. But loudly crying when something doesn't go her way? What do I do with that? #recoveringboymom

Don't worry; I'm figuring it out (slowly). It doesn't help that my attachment to my girls isn't as rock-solid as the boys. I simply haven't had enough time. I mean, come on, I've had five years with Ezra and eighteen months with Judah. So, you know, I have to actively think about doing some caregiving things that I unconsciously do with the boys. That's not wrong, and I know that in my head, but even that there's an internal difference for the kids I've parented for years and the kids I've parented for almost two months is really draining for me. It's hard for me to ever feel like a successful parent right now. And that makes waking up today to do the job I feel like I failed at yesterday pretty tough.

But my dear friend reminded me of a little truth this morning that helped reorient me when I was really starting to steer off-course. She reminded me (okay the Holy Spirit reminded me through her point) that, for some seasons, we are servants most of the time. And what we do is serve. Do we get the thanks for it we would if we weren't servants? No. But we're called to servitude. And we aren't celebrated or encouraged or noticed like we want crave. Still, my service is a glorious offering to God, and he notices.

I realized that I've been parenting my kids out of my love for them, and it's just not enough. There isn't enough of my love for any of my kids that doesn't run out by 9am these days! Gifts is my primary love language, and I've been laying down my life as a gift to my children. Of course I'm going to struggle! My preschoolers and toddlers (omg I have so many kids) aren't capable of handling such a gift well.

But God is able to receive the gift of my servitude and self-denial in his utterly capable hands, and the hiddenness of my life is not hidden from his sight. I know that every load of laundry I wash, meal I make, bottom I wipe, and every time I book it from one end of our tiny apartment to the other to mother my kids is received as an act of worship and of love. Seriously though, how do you people who live in more than 900 square feet keep up with your kids?!? I am calling "I'm coming!" to break up fights or comfort a kid or tell someone "no, you cannot play with that right there right now" all day long!

Okay, I got sidetracked from my totally poignant and spiritual point. Anyway, my kids don't deserve my life. Look, I love them so freaking much, but I can't let them be my purpose. For me, it's not enough. I don't even care how that makes me sound, they can't be the "because" of every thing I dislike doing in my current job description [raise your hand if you love washing urine off your hands, or parenting two kids who are fighting over a used paper plate]. The reason I take hold this plow every morning can only be found in God.

In case you're wondering...

We're doing okay.

Nobody pulls faces like Ezra pulls faces.

 Sure, it's an adjustment for each of us...

and it's been a bit crazy...

but we're often pretty happy.

Ezra wanted to wear his soccer jersey, so they all wore them. Two of them say "FIFA" and two say "FUFA"! Love it.

Sorry!

Ugh I am SO SORRY it has been so long since I've updated! I will try to start updating now. We got home March 2nd! Our kids started getting sick within a couple days of being home (all four of them are currently sick, tho the two bigs are definitely on the mend). It has felt a bit like going from rowing on a rowboat (my parenting skillz) in a calm lake (of two children) to trying to rebuild that rowboat into an ocean liner in the middle of... some kind of weather disturbance in the middle of the ocean. Four kids, ages 5 and under, is no joke you guys. The amount of time I spend preparing and cleaning up food, for example. Or making trips to the bathroom. Or getting kids to stop hurting each other (or to stop crying when the other is actually trying to be nice). I'm exhausted every day.

It doesn't help that I've been so isolated. I haven't been able to go to church since I've been home (and we can't play with friends) since the kids have been sick. Quiet times have been necessary, not just for me to be a good mom, but even for basic sanity. We're talking not crying by 9 in the morning sanity. On that note, I'm so tired. I'm going to bed.

Process Update

Okay, here's where we are on the adoption side of things:

We had our appointment last Wednesday, and it went wonderfully. Thank you for praying! I was so vulnerable during all that time. But I was able to meet a member of the birth family who'd taken care of the girls as well as she could, and I was so thankful to meet her! They moved our appointment time that day (fro 1:30 to 3:15), so we were there until 4:30 (poor Stephen was alone with all four kids the day after they got here from noon to 5:15).

The woman who was interviewing the family said everything seems great, and she felt comfortable scheduling the visa exit interview (yay!), BUT she said they didn't have any availability until Monday, Feb 29th. Which means we wouldn't get their visas until March 2nd. Which means we wouldn't be home until the evening of Ezra's 5th birthday, March 3rd. Which is miserable for this mommy. It also means we have nothing to do until a week from now. Nothing. UUUUUGGGGGH.

I've been reading An Unhurried Life and it's been so good for this time (for reasons I believe are obvious). I'm really trying to harness my thoughts as they keep spinning out from under me about wanting to be home, with my "house" and my people and my life. Here everything's just a bit more difficult, and I really didn't think I'd be here for a month, but it would be a month to the day if we left on the 2nd. I'm pretty worn down.

So, please pray with me that they would give us an exit interview on Wednesday. Stephen's leading worship on Sunday, and I'd love for us to be there. I more than anything just don't want to miss Ezra's birthday.

A Good, Hard Week

Sorry for the silence. The Ugandan government restricted access to social media sites (even email at some points) during the elections. I'm sure you can imagine my thoughts about that.

Having Stephen and the boys has been so, so good. Look, I was even able to have Stephen take a picture of me! Not the most important reason for them coming, but still, a perk.

See, I am here!

Oh, it's also been really hard. Going from two kids, 4 and under, to four kids, 4 and under, is a really crazy transition. Add in that the boys hardly slept on the trip here and have been really out of their element, and this house is not equipped for children or regular cooking for six people and, whew. It's been a lot.

First time watching tv together. #amazingparents

But still so good. Our sons met our daughters. We rode with the driver to the airport to pick them up -- neither girl could sleep, they were so excited. They've started learning how to play together.

several baths were taken

They tried their hardest to charm the guard here (everyone has a guard here), as well as anyone whose attention they could catch through the ...peephole? hole-for-unlatching-the-door-from-the-outside-and-also-to-look-through...

many turns were taken

the thrilling view

They have started to bond, and also to jostle each other a bit as they figure out their places in our new family. I think it's been hardest on these two:

I know your heart just melted. I know.

For Ezra, any change is difficult. Traveling halfway across the world and adding two sisters into the family and then preparing to leave them again... what a doozy of a week! And his behavior has shown it.

this kid pulls faces like nobody's business

For Mirah, it's just been adjusting to not being the youngest; she was not a fan of Judah for a few days! But they've managed to start playing some together in toddler ways (poking each other's faces; sticking their fingers in each other's mouths; you know, gross toddler stuff).

I'm in love with these kids, even though I've cried almost every day from being exhausted by their needs (of discipline, mostly the boys).

UGH I LOVE THEM

Tomorrow, the boys go, and I don't know when we'll follow. Please pray it's soon. Half my heart is leaving me again, and the kids are just as sad to be parting.