I don't know how many posts during this time will be just like this... Oh well! If I'm gonna be 100% honest, this blog is more for me than it is for you (though you're important, I promise!).
Some days I'm doing really well. Actually for the most part of most days I'm doing well. Some things just get my heart in a twist, like pictures of African kids (if you need someone to cry with, come over and bring a picture of an African baby. It's foolproof.), when people describe longing, things like that. Sometimes I think I need to get this crying thing under control, or I'm gonna scare my kids or something.
I've never been a "rock" - someone you can count on to be strong and persevere and such. I don't usually mind. But it does make waiting (waiting for months) difficult. It's not the same waiting as being pregnant and waiting for your baby to come. There is no due date, I see no progress. It's just day after day. I can't rely on anything else but God.
It's been quite eye-opening! I am glad God is using this. I am. Sometimes. ! Well, what can you do but be honest? Of course I wish we could travel and bring home our child tomorrow. Of course I do. Of course I want to know if s/he's okay right now. And how long will it be till I know her/his name and see my child's sweet face. And of course, I just don't know. I can't. You, God, you're so crafty. He knows I can plan the faith right out of my life, so He chucks me out of driver's seat and stuffs me in the trunk. I suppose if I refuse to let You drive, Lord of everything, it's exactly what should happen.
Still, I hate waiting.
18 December 2012
13 December 2012
I'm Still Embarrassed.
If you think this is easy for me to say, get real. Okay, I'm going to tell you things of which I am ashamed, but of which I would urge someone else to not be ashamed.
I'll first take you to my freshman year of college. I was a part of a group that was really fun (and let me feel like I belonged even though I really felt I never did). That group had parties with lots of alcohol (in college! I know, it's shocking). Sometimes I would get really drunk - it wasn't something I did in high school; I was just kind of experimenting with it in college. And I wanted to belong to my group, and everyone got really drunk at parties, and I wasn't yet sick of hangovers. So I invited a guy to one of the parties - he was in two of my classes - small classes, too. We were friends - we ate lunch together several times a week. We got really drunk (or I did), like blackout drunk. I don't remember a lot but I know we got food and took it back to his dorm room. And I know we had sex. I didn't like him like that and I wasn't wanting to have sex, but I don't remember how it happened. I don't remember much of anything. I don't remember if he used a condom or even if his roommate was still in the room. That's how drunk I was.
Do you think I was able to give consent? This is one of the most important experiences of my life because I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or not. Sometimes I have called it rape; sometimes I've told myself it was my fault for being drunk and in his room late at night, or at least that he didn't do anything wrong. But I know how I felt afterwards. I felt gross. I felt worth less than I was the day before.
How does that work? I don't know. What does it mean? I don't know. Mind you, this wasn't the first time I'd had sex. It wasn't even the first time I'd had casual sex. It also wasn't the first time I'd had sex when I didn't really want to. But that story holds so much shame for me... I cannot tell it yet. It is also exactly the kind of story I want people to hear who think we live in a society free of what some call "rape culture," but I'm just too ashamed of my inability to withstand the pressure I faced 11 years ago.
I think there's something wrong with that.
I'll first take you to my freshman year of college. I was a part of a group that was really fun (and let me feel like I belonged even though I really felt I never did). That group had parties with lots of alcohol (in college! I know, it's shocking). Sometimes I would get really drunk - it wasn't something I did in high school; I was just kind of experimenting with it in college. And I wanted to belong to my group, and everyone got really drunk at parties, and I wasn't yet sick of hangovers. So I invited a guy to one of the parties - he was in two of my classes - small classes, too. We were friends - we ate lunch together several times a week. We got really drunk (or I did), like blackout drunk. I don't remember a lot but I know we got food and took it back to his dorm room. And I know we had sex. I didn't like him like that and I wasn't wanting to have sex, but I don't remember how it happened. I don't remember much of anything. I don't remember if he used a condom or even if his roommate was still in the room. That's how drunk I was.
Do you think I was able to give consent? This is one of the most important experiences of my life because I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or not. Sometimes I have called it rape; sometimes I've told myself it was my fault for being drunk and in his room late at night, or at least that he didn't do anything wrong. But I know how I felt afterwards. I felt gross. I felt worth less than I was the day before.
How does that work? I don't know. What does it mean? I don't know. Mind you, this wasn't the first time I'd had sex. It wasn't even the first time I'd had casual sex. It also wasn't the first time I'd had sex when I didn't really want to. But that story holds so much shame for me... I cannot tell it yet. It is also exactly the kind of story I want people to hear who think we live in a society free of what some call "rape culture," but I'm just too ashamed of my inability to withstand the pressure I faced 11 years ago.
I think there's something wrong with that.
12 December 2012
Consent
Okay, I'm about to talk about something really awkward. For my like 2 guy readers, please also stick with me. I want to talk about "rape culture." If you want to see my jumping-off point for this, please check out this recent news article (men: there are two pictures women in underwear. It's not overtly sexy, but you know, check your heart or something before you read...)
I want to talk about it because it seems like this idea is something that Christians should be talking about. Sometimes I think we can hole up with our ideals that sex should be between a husband and a wife and not address anything else. Yes, I do 100% know in my bones that sex was intended to be enjoyed in the safety and security of marriage (and I know the consequences my heart and marriage have suffered from not respecting the parameters God set around sex). But we are absolutely fooling ourselves if we believe people who don't follow the Lord are going to not have sex until they're married. Or that our children will be safe from the culture that surrounds them if we love them enough or protect them enough or something them enough.
We need to talk about this. We need a way to talk about our culture and how it treats women and sex (and women having sex) in our own words. Because I don't think American culture perpetuates rape like some other cultures, but I do definitely believe there is cultural pressure on young women and girls to have sex, and then a societal norm to value them less when they do. And I don't want extreme feminists to be the only ones talking on this subject.
And I do absolutely think it's viewed as acceptable for a young guy to put pressure on a young girl to have sex with (or perform sex acts on) him. Many young women I know then feel as though they will be ostracized within their social circles if they refuse. What follows is, I believe, what can fairly be called non-consensual sex. The girl is often then subjected to worse pressure and treatment before (since she is now an easier target). I say it's viewed as acceptable because the guy doesn't get ostracized for doing that. Even in middle school. And where do you think that came from? Did it plop into his head out of nothing but his fallen nature?
I don't think this is okay. Perhaps many of my friends didn't see this kind of thing happen in their junior high and high schools. I'm sure a lot of you did, though. I know that that was rampant in my school and has seemed to only become worse.
We are the light of the world. We need to talk about this and how to help. Yes, I want to make sure my sons are not users of women, and I want to make sure my daughters know that their bodies are much too awesome to be given to some pubescent predator, but what about the girl down the street? Do we abandon those who didn't happen to be born to us (or adopted by us)?
Tomorrow I'll be sharing a part of my story. If you believe rape can only be done by a stranger in an alley, I ask that you at least read my words tomorrow.
I want to talk about it because it seems like this idea is something that Christians should be talking about. Sometimes I think we can hole up with our ideals that sex should be between a husband and a wife and not address anything else. Yes, I do 100% know in my bones that sex was intended to be enjoyed in the safety and security of marriage (and I know the consequences my heart and marriage have suffered from not respecting the parameters God set around sex). But we are absolutely fooling ourselves if we believe people who don't follow the Lord are going to not have sex until they're married. Or that our children will be safe from the culture that surrounds them if we love them enough or protect them enough or something them enough.
We need to talk about this. We need a way to talk about our culture and how it treats women and sex (and women having sex) in our own words. Because I don't think American culture perpetuates rape like some other cultures, but I do definitely believe there is cultural pressure on young women and girls to have sex, and then a societal norm to value them less when they do. And I don't want extreme feminists to be the only ones talking on this subject.
And I do absolutely think it's viewed as acceptable for a young guy to put pressure on a young girl to have sex with (or perform sex acts on) him. Many young women I know then feel as though they will be ostracized within their social circles if they refuse. What follows is, I believe, what can fairly be called non-consensual sex. The girl is often then subjected to worse pressure and treatment before (since she is now an easier target). I say it's viewed as acceptable because the guy doesn't get ostracized for doing that. Even in middle school. And where do you think that came from? Did it plop into his head out of nothing but his fallen nature?
I don't think this is okay. Perhaps many of my friends didn't see this kind of thing happen in their junior high and high schools. I'm sure a lot of you did, though. I know that that was rampant in my school and has seemed to only become worse.
We are the light of the world. We need to talk about this and how to help. Yes, I want to make sure my sons are not users of women, and I want to make sure my daughters know that their bodies are much too awesome to be given to some pubescent predator, but what about the girl down the street? Do we abandon those who didn't happen to be born to us (or adopted by us)?
Tomorrow I'll be sharing a part of my story. If you believe rape can only be done by a stranger in an alley, I ask that you at least read my words tomorrow.
04 December 2012
Waiting
Waiting is hard. Waiting is good.
I'm already tired of waiting. But it beats some of the "American" out of me - the part that thinks if I just bother someone enough, things will move faster (or, more desperately sad, throw enough money at it).
It's when nothing's moving that one's resolve is tested. Sometimes I do wish to get pregnant. But then, when I get around to actually daydreaming about it, I get sad about missing out on this. And I'm renewed in my desire to wait, to adopt our child. It's slow, this process, painfully slow. But it's painful like the soreness of a muscle that's been worked out. It's doing things in my heart. So (at least for right now), I'm glad there's no news, and it's just an expanse of waiting before us. Nothing exciting, just holding on and settling down and waiting for the Lord to move when it's right.
I'm already tired of waiting. But it beats some of the "American" out of me - the part that thinks if I just bother someone enough, things will move faster (or, more desperately sad, throw enough money at it).
It's when nothing's moving that one's resolve is tested. Sometimes I do wish to get pregnant. But then, when I get around to actually daydreaming about it, I get sad about missing out on this. And I'm renewed in my desire to wait, to adopt our child. It's slow, this process, painfully slow. But it's painful like the soreness of a muscle that's been worked out. It's doing things in my heart. So (at least for right now), I'm glad there's no news, and it's just an expanse of waiting before us. Nothing exciting, just holding on and settling down and waiting for the Lord to move when it's right.
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