New Music!

The day finally arrived (yesterday)! Stephen put two songs online to stream and download. I know I'm biased and I married him partially because he makes great music. Still. It's fantastic (for a home recording).

The proceeds go toward our adoption, so that's helpful. But I'm most excited for people to hear what music Stephen can make recording in a closet and using free samples. :)

http://walksproject.bandcamp.com/track/words
http://walksproject.bandcamp.com/track/sunrise

State of Grace

Yes, it is a Taylor Swift song. I'm not super-taken with it (it's pretty much a U2 song written by TSwift), but it struck me.

I used to feel really uncomfortable with singing songs to God that could be sung to a boyfriend. I just thought it was weird. I suppose a lot has changed, since now I love singing songs about people's boyfriends to the Lord.

In a season when I've been confronted with my own rocky heart, with its walls and padlocks and stiff-arm'ed "KEEP OUT" signs, aimed against the two people who love me most, it was a comforting realization from the Holy Spirit that I'm not who I once was. I am in a state of grace, and the Lord and I are working on tilling the hardened soil of my heart, in weeding out lies, and in watering the Words he gives.

I thank you, Lord, for your grace.

The Back Window

One of my "friends" leaves tomorrow for Russia [I put it in quotes because I don't actually know her, but I feel plenty of affection for her from being in the same virtual community. It almost counts, hence the quotes.]; it is the second of three trips in order for her and her husband to bring their toddler son home. This is the trip where they stand before the judge to be granted guardianship of their son (I'm pretty sure... They may call it something else; everything is different from country to country).

I am taken aback every time I think about it: leaving your child in an orphanage and flying thousands of miles away. It's like an automatic, huge, bright STOP sign blocks me imagining it. Of course I imagine it with Ezra, because this kiddo is their Ezra. I just can't deal with thinking about it, you know? The momma bear in me comes roaring out with a NO ONE WILL COME BETWEEN ME AND MY CHILD I WILL RIP YOU APART IF YOU TRY RAAAAAAWWWWR!

*ahem* So that's one of the things I really appreciate about Uganda. Yes, it's not the most stable program on the globe; and yes, the wait feels so long; and yes, we do have to be there for roughly a month; and yes, it's not going to be a month at the spa. But once I lock eyes on baby A, there's no reason I should ever have to stop. There will be no interruption of our bonding. I will get over the jet lag and still be with him/her (those first two days for me; it's like half my brain takes a power boat instead of the plane) once I perk up. Most importantly, baby A will not have to wonder where we've gone.

You parents out there, can you imagine driving away from your child, not being positive of when you'll see them again? How long would you be wrenched in your seat, staring out the back window, straining to see your child? That sounds like the very, very worst, right?

Then feel free to be praying for my friend and her husband (and their son!) that the 35-day wait period will be miraculously waived for them. With God, all things are possible (and our prayers move His Father-heart).

Birth Family Thoughts

This is kind of a me coming out of a closet post. [not THE closet, obvs.]

Some of you may not know that I'm a birthmom. But I am. I placed my first child, a boy named M, for adoption in January 2006 with a wonderful family. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of June, just two weeks after choosing to let Jesus be the Lord of my life.

I'm telling you this because my experience gives me a little bit of a different perspective on the why and when of adoption. Something very popular right now is to say that children should be kept with their birth family if at all possible. I do not agree with that. I'm not militant about it or something, because I understand the heart - you want to enable people who aren't able to take care of the children they want.

But it's not as black and white as that. I wanted M; I loved him desperately (as expectant mothers do). I still love M and want the best for him very much. It wasn't that I couldn't take care of him; I had a job that paid well enough for us to get by (ish), and I know my parents wouldn't have let us become homeless or starve. But M's birthdad wasn't a really stable guy - he wasn't a bad person or crazy or anything; he just wasn't anywhere near being ready to be a dad. And I wanted M to have a family that was established in Jesus and his love. I wanted for M to not be raised by daycare workers but by people who loved him. I wanted him to be able to play soccer or t-ball. I wanted to get my degree and not be stuck working whatever job just so I could support us. I wanted to be ready to have children, so I could minimize the frustration at them when I felt the strains of growing up (and killing my selfishness). I wanted more than I could give him myself, and so I gave him that.

I remember the time when I was 5 or 6 months pregnant with him, wrestling within myself over whether I could place him or not. During a worship time one Sunday morning, God made it very clear that his will for this child was for me to place him for adoption - he literally said in my head, "This must be."

I don't hear like clear words from God often (though I did more during that time - oh the mercy of God!), so I knew without a doubt what God's will was in the matter. I know I have this instrumental difference - the Holy Spirit within me - that other birthmoms don't have which makes my heart at peace even as it's broken. So I feel I can know without a doubt that it's not always best for the child to stay with his birth family even if it's possible. Just because I could have cared for M doesn't mean I should have.

So no, I don't think it's always in the best interests of the child to stay with his birth family if possible, but I do very much want to help women/families in crisis to keep their families intact. Do I grieve over this loss? A lot, even still. But there's so much peace that I did what was right in the eyes of the Lord in our situation. I look forward to explaining to M when he's older all of the ways God helped me to put him in the family God meant M to have since the foundation of the earth. What M lost in his adoption is less than what he gained in being adopted. I have a confident hope that he, in time (or maybe always) will know this too. God is good, and he redeems everything.

I know it's a singular kind of experience, so I hope what I said makes sense. I don't think every person who hasn't decided to get pregnant should place their children at all. And I'm 100% for helping families stay together. But I don't think adoption should be viewed as a very last resort.

Gungor

is enjoyable. It's honestly hard for me to find overtly Christian (as in about Christ, not just made by Christians) music that I really enjoy. But I enjoy Gungor. Thought I'd give a shout-out. Here's their site.

Music

Preface: I have no beef with people who don't particularly care for music. I don't particularly care for sports, or spotless houses, or a lot of other things others really care for. In no way is this meant to make you feel like I think less of you because you aren't picky about the noises that go in your ears.

How is music so powerful? Why did the Lord give us this... this transporter? I love, love the flashes of memory from hearing a song that epitomized a previous season. Who doesn't love that automatic remembering of who you were and what you were about and how you felt? I know Proust examines that in Un amour de Swann, which is very well and good, and certainly thorough. I was listening to a remix of a song that includes two songs from the Beach Boys' album Pet Sounds, which was the only cd I listened to for about two solid months in the Spring of 2005. And the last time I heard this remix, I got a flash of a particular intersection in the town I lived in, and having the windows down and being happy. I would never ever have remembered that moment of feeling free in an otherwise difficult time in my life without having heard that. Things like that. They're markers of times, whether they be significant moments, like the two songs I listened to over and over again the night I gave my life over to Jesus, or just a random memory of sitting in my truck, not wanting to go clean a stranger's house (my loneliest job to date).

I just love how we remember better through music. How we feel memories or even new emotions through music. How someone can craft a song, or even a couple of seconds of a song, and it speaks to us in our deepest emotional places. Or, it speaks to someone. I also love that. You may love a song - it may lift you up to bliss - and I may think it's annoying. I gave my mom a "happy mix cd" and she doesn't like it. She thinks most of the songs are kind of grating to the ears. But the songs, they make me so happy I can laugh, just from enjoying them so much and having them make me happy.

Is that weird? I think it's normal; I think a lot of people carry things inside them through music. I just have such a hard time remembering things; I can't really remember who I was 5 years ago because I really am a completely (almost) different person. And that Michelle was totally different from the Michelle of 2001. But I have the music I've listened to for the past decade, and I can use it to chart who I was and who I am, to look back fondly or sadly or angrily or with pity on past Michelles and try to be careful with myself now. Because, if that girl was in my life now, I'd love her and want to be careful with her, to strengthen and encourage and comfort her. So it only follows that I'll feel the same way about me now in the future.

Your Hands; Stillness

How can you define what makes a song still within you the place made for the Spirit? Some songs... immediately I feel myself reawaken to the Holy Spirit. The only other way for me to feel that stillness descend it to gaze upon something beautiful. Like the way lamplight fliters through tree leaves at night, the darkness around that cocoon of warmth. The crackle of a driftwood bonfire. The moon high over the ocean. My husband walking away to pray in that moonlight. The salt in that wind; the loneliness of those waves. The sky on fire with the dying sun. My husband asleep. The front porch on the farm at the close of a calm day. My husband walking out the door of the office to pray in the evening.
I don't know why I must be reminded to be still. I am glad it happens without my asking, at least from time to time. I'm sure it's different for everyone. I desperately want the Lord to use me to bring the stillness that comes from the recognition that the greatest Spirit around dwells within and communes. I love You, Holy Spirit. You do comfort. You do instruct. You do refresh. You do strengthen.
I am desperately in love with You, God. I am tripping over myself to get to You. Your glance makes me hear my heartbeat in my ears and feel it in my fingers. Own me, Lord. Take all of me. [I hate the word abandon because I have those sorts of issues, but] I throw myself at You; I can't help it. You're irresistable.
[The song below is from Aaron Strumpel's new album, Vespers I & II. This is the sort of song I mean. It may do nothing for you...]
All is love.

p.s.

Stephen wrote a new song. It's amazing. Actually, he's written several recently. I really hope we are allowed to record some of his new songs. Such a wellspring of joy, my husband's music is to me! Here are some lyrics:

In the rafters of my heart
In the rafters of my heart
Your song, Your song,
Your song echoes loud
Your song, Your song,
Your song echoes loud
I've got
joy, joy, joy, joy, joy
I've got
joy, joy, joy, joy, joy

It continues on from there. But I don't remember the rest perfectly. And I doubt Stephen would be 100% pleased with me half-making up songs and pretending they're his... :)

Look. . .

How do we inject into christian music the creativity and energy and innovation that pre-christians have in their music? God changes my heart every time we worship - I frequently am halted by my own feelings that what I'm participating in is artistically stale and dying [ewwwww! stinky]. Then Jesus (and His phantastic Holy Spirit) swoop into my heart and remind me that He's a total cheeseball, and He doesn't at all mind if the praise of His people sounds just like it did ten or fifteen years ago, and He melts my heart with His. And that's so good. But.

But I'm so tired in my heart of the same old thing. It just reminds me of the other types of complacency we have in western christianity. Nothing in our lives should be boring or static! Nothing should be the same as it was five years ago, because we are not the same as we were. How could I make the same music as I did five years ago? I'm not who I was five years ago. I really am a completely different person. I don't remember that person but at a distance. She is not me. We don't think even similarly. I don't want my diving into Jesus to ever slow. I know what people say, that it's more dramatic and passionate because I'm younger.

I don't believe it. That is a lie! Worse than outright falsehood; it's a sneaky lie - almost believable. Sort-of-understandable. But, nonetheless full of CRAP! I think of several men and women in my church. In their fifties, in their seventies. Passionate, radical, to-the-point-of-crazy about Jesus. It doesn't have to stop. I'm not feeding myself that. I refuse.

So, I want the music I play and make and love to be different. God, I praaaaaay that the bands I love most, I enjoy most, will love Jesus! because I cannot say that right now. and it makes me want to cry.

The song I want you to listen to [click on the post title] is called "Blessa" by Toro y Moi, courtesy of gorillavsbear.net. Beautiful. Love.