Mirah Mine

This girl has been through a LOT in the past two months (okay, two years). She had a weird thing happen to her where her gums started bleeding, when they hadn't been before, and it got so extreme that they would bleed just from her gritting her teeth, but she didn't have any cavities. It was alarming to see her gums bleeding without anything touching them, just from her biting down.

After a battery of tests, all of her levels looked great, and the doctors basically shrugged their shoulders and guessed it was virus-related. Turns out it must have been, since it got better slowly (just like it came) and was followed by a rash (with no other symptoms), which just started to clear up on Sunday.

We also had an abdominal ultrasound (to check on her spleen and liver), as well as a bone age x-ray done. The results came back today: she's about two years and six months old, just like we thought! With her current birthdate of 9/14/14, we'll definitely need to change the year.

Luckily this little girl is pretty fun-oriented, and with the exception of a few days when her mouth was really having trouble, she's been as sunny as she usually is.

She's also definitely gone through a growth spurt (or two?!?) since I got her in February, and her tummy isn't quite as big. And her big girl hair is coming in! Such big changes for our little sweetie.

GirlMom

I believe the kids are starting to figure out how to play together in ways they enjoy. Praise God! A little over a month past being home, patterns are emerging, but things are also changing. One of our daughters is now expressing a lot stronger emotions than she ever has -- today was fairly extreme, on the number and length of tantrums -- Stephen even said, "Wow, what is it even like when she does that?" because she's previously only withdrawn when she was upset. I am glad that she is feeling the safety to even let go, but it's really hard to navigate when she doesn't yet know many feeling words, and when I don't know what's normal little kid emotions, normal little kid sinfulness, and the not-normal big hurts she's faced in her little life.

For me, at least, I love the puzzle that parenting is; you get one piece at a time. I don't super love that you often get the bad side of the coin more than the good, since they don't have the skills and heart to utilize their strengths well. Ezra, for example, is an advocate. I know this because when Stephen and I are upset with each other in front of the kids, he always tries to mediate. Also, when one of his friends hurts another kid, he always goes to the offender and either yells at them or hits them. My little justice-oriented kiddo, hates the bad guys in shows and is always fighting them at playtime.

But you get those things in little clues that eventually make a building block in their little personality. Getting our girls at two and four, it's one of the only ways I really feel the loss of time (the other way is in attaching, but that's for another day). Here comes my Stella, and I don't have the thousands of hours watching her and interacting with her that give me those clues. And so I don't know if she's sulking because she's tired, or she's having a rough day emotionally, or maybe because her personality might be a little moody. I don't know if choosing her clothes is a Really Big Deal because of her background or because she's particular about things (my guess is currently the latter). Time will tell, but I would certainly know by now if I'd birthed her.

Mirah, too, there are things she does, and I'm really not sure if they're personality traits or adaptive mechanisms for the environment she grew up in. I do lean fairly strongly on the nature-side as far as personality goes, seeing as how I could tell Ezra and Judah would be very different before Judah was a week old. And they are! Right now just so incredibly different. Judah is more emotional than Ezra was at this age, but also more relational, and sweeter. Not that he isn't starting to dip is feet in willful disobedience (and by dip his feet, I mean he's taking swimming lessons in sin sea). As toddlers do; he just does it with the cutest little smile, the stinker!

All my kids are really different from each other; I feel like I'm eating at the buffet of parenting. :)

On Friday, the girls will have their first major doctor's visits (we had some struggles with insurance). I'm really excited to get them all looked over by a pediatrician who spent many years working with children in Nigeria. I'm also super excited to have their ages more correctly ascertained.

In case you're wondering...

We're doing okay.

Nobody pulls faces like Ezra pulls faces.

 Sure, it's an adjustment for each of us...

and it's been a bit crazy...

but we're often pretty happy.

Ezra wanted to wear his soccer jersey, so they all wore them. Two of them say "FIFA" and two say "FUFA"! Love it.

A Good, Hard Week

Sorry for the silence. The Ugandan government restricted access to social media sites (even email at some points) during the elections. I'm sure you can imagine my thoughts about that.

Having Stephen and the boys has been so, so good. Look, I was even able to have Stephen take a picture of me! Not the most important reason for them coming, but still, a perk.

See, I am here!

Oh, it's also been really hard. Going from two kids, 4 and under, to four kids, 4 and under, is a really crazy transition. Add in that the boys hardly slept on the trip here and have been really out of their element, and this house is not equipped for children or regular cooking for six people and, whew. It's been a lot.

First time watching tv together. #amazingparents

But still so good. Our sons met our daughters. We rode with the driver to the airport to pick them up -- neither girl could sleep, they were so excited. They've started learning how to play together.

several baths were taken

They tried their hardest to charm the guard here (everyone has a guard here), as well as anyone whose attention they could catch through the ...peephole? hole-for-unlatching-the-door-from-the-outside-and-also-to-look-through...

many turns were taken

the thrilling view

They have started to bond, and also to jostle each other a bit as they figure out their places in our new family. I think it's been hardest on these two:

I know your heart just melted. I know.

For Ezra, any change is difficult. Traveling halfway across the world and adding two sisters into the family and then preparing to leave them again... what a doozy of a week! And his behavior has shown it.

this kid pulls faces like nobody's business

For Mirah, it's just been adjusting to not being the youngest; she was not a fan of Judah for a few days! But they've managed to start playing some together in toddler ways (poking each other's faces; sticking their fingers in each other's mouths; you know, gross toddler stuff).

I'm in love with these kids, even though I've cried almost every day from being exhausted by their needs (of discipline, mostly the boys).

UGH I LOVE THEM

Tomorrow, the boys go, and I don't know when we'll follow. Please pray it's soon. Half my heart is leaving me again, and the kids are just as sad to be parting.

An Invitation

I probably won't post again until after the birth family interviews on Wednseday, mostly because I'll be busy preparing for Stephen and the boys to arrive Tuesday night. My feelings about which can be summed up in the video below.

So freakin' excited. But that isn't why I wanted to post today. I want to extend an invitation.

You see, the birth family interviews are incredibly important. Their answers to the embassy questions will determine if we can leave next week, or if our case will be sent to Rome for further review (which, if you remember, adds on at least a month to the process). Now, it's important for the embassy to be thorough, to make sure the family doesn't think this is like a long-term fostering situation. In previous years, birth families have lost their children because of misunderstanding (and outright fraud), and we want every child leaving Uganda permanently to be leaving with their birth family's blessing. But that makes the embassy now very careful, even a little leading in their questions, to ensure it doesn't happen. Even the birth family saying things about the kids visiting can make the case be sent to Rome.

Now, we know we have the remaining members of the girls' family's blessing to adopt them. We believe it will go well. But I am inviting you to fast with me that the women will not be confused by any questions, will answer clearly what they understand to be true, and that we will be able to leave with the boys on February 23rd.

Our appointment is at 1:30p Uganda time, so 4:30a Central time. If you would prefer not to fast (or cannot), I invite you to wake up at that time to pray for the two relatives who are coming from 5 hours away to testify.

Prayer points:
-that they would not be intimidated or overawed by the embassy (which is pretty intimidating, I think)
-that the embassy workers would be fair to and considerate of them
-that they would remember the documents they signed (8 months ago!)
-that they would have peace when they see me
-that our case would be approved quickly, despite the election being the day after our appointment (!)
-that we will be able to fly home on the same flights as the boys

Thanks! We have started to settle in as a trio, and it's feeling very normal. Nothing is perfect (they're children, after all), but it has felt like days at home, which reassures me and fills me with hope. In this four-year-mountain climb, I think we're just about to summit.

Process Update Pt 2 (actual process update)

That's a please-tickle-me face if I've ever seen one

See? Towels. And balloons that ended up being WAY bigger than I thought they'd be.

Of course this popped moments later.

This week, we've had our I-600 filing date (which I wrote about here) on Monday, our first and second visits to the IOM on Tuesday and Thursday respectively, and received the email that gives us the date for their birth family interview. If you're not adopting internationally, the I-600 if the document that the US government uses to determine if a child meets the definition of a legal orphan. The IOM is the medical office embassies use to determine if people who want to migrate are healthy enough.

The embassy changed the way they do the I-600 and the visa. Previously, the birth family came for the visa exit interview, after the I-600 was approved. I think the way they're doing it now makes more sense, since the interview is important to deciding if they can approve the case here, or if the case needs to be sent to Rome for further review. A family we met the first time we were here is adopting a sibling set of three, and they were a week ahead of us in the process. They just had their case sent to Rome because the birth father wasn't briefed well enough and answered some of his questions confusingly.

I don't blame him; it's pretty intimidating! The mom sent me some advice so we can learn from their experience. It's not that their kids don't meet the definition of legal orphan -- they definitely do -- it's that everything needs to be clearly approvable, or the case gets sent to Rome. This family's case will be approved, it will just take a month+ longer than they were hoping, which requires making some really hard decisions concerning that extra time. So please be praying the birth mother and grandmother will be briefed well on how to answer their questions clearly so that there is no confusion.

The IOM visits, other than taking a long time, were fine. Mirah's birth certificate date makes her too young to test for tuberculosis, but Stella got hers done. Yay no tuberculosis! They also had their physicals done. Oddly enough the part when they cried the most was having to stand on the scale and have their height taken.  ..? We had been waiting for over two hours by this time, so I don't really blame them for being fed up.

Now we don't have anything to "do" until the birth family interview on Wednesday. If it goes perfectly, we should be home fairly quickly after that (within a week, we hope!). PLEASE be praying this is the case.

Process Update Pt 1

I know my posts have been mostly serious and fairly somber, but there's a lot of fun and a lot of normal going on. Cooking eggs, mopping the floor (not because I'm a tidy person, but because of the ants invading), reading books. Washing clothes I'm not willing to let a man I don't know wash for me. [okay, maybe that last one is less normal in America.]

Our house and my little confident girl. #adorbs

As I type, the girls are playing with towels they stole from found in my room. I'm really glad we get days like this, because it's much more true to real life. We won't be zipping in cars and waiting in offices for hours at a time at home.

Okay, this ended up not being a process update bc they're asking me to take pictures of them. #soadorbs

Matoke and Posho

We found (okay, Linda found for us) a little restaurant we eat at pretty frequently. They make all the food the girls are most familiar with, and I want them to be able to have matoke, posho, and the like while we're still here.

That I get to have chapati may also be a factor.

This restaurant is around the corner from where we're staying. Unfortunately, the street we're living on is both narrow and busy, and people are really scary - one bodaboda driver who was carrying some boards knocked Mirah's arm while he passed by. The cars aren't better. They get so close to you, sometimes even when there isn't a car passing the other way.

What's Lusoga for smorgasbord?

It's nice to go in order to get out of the house as well. Because we're staying in a house, there are no other families nearby (who speak English). Just across the street is the market. Americans, I don't mean a grocery store; think a flea market but with food vendors. So much gorgeous food!

Oh my heart! What a little stinker! Love her spunkiness.

Tonight was a little difficult because I'd actually made dinner, but I used a pepper I didn't know, and it was incredibly spicy. I think they were habañeros... #oops
I didn't have time to make something else, so to the restaurant we went, at the busiest time on the road.

On the way home, I was hurrying because both of the girls needed to potty, and a car came really close to Stella (who was walking, holding my hand). A man walking the opposite way on my side gave me a dirty look and said, "take care of that girl!"

I know it shouldn't have, but it made me cry. Really hard. I have gotten angry and hostile looks, but no one has said anything to me until today. And I know a lot of Ugandans don't like foreigners adopting because they don't know the adoption process; many believe we can just walk into Uganda, shower people with money, and walk out with a kid. So it makes sense that they would be suspicious.

And that man doesn't know how hard I'm trying to "take care of that girl," or how close the one I was holding came to dying because others weren't taking care of her. That man didn't see how his face and tone affected "that girl" after he said those words. I wonder if he would care. I know to some, I'm a thief; I'm stealing children. To some, I'm a trafficker. Really.

And I in no way want to make light of all my daughters will lose by leaving their home country, and have lost already by my involvement in their lives. But to those people, I wonder what they would say if I were to ask them: would it have been better for Mirah to have died at the age of two of a treatable disease in her home country, or grow up to deal with that loss as she matures?

Maybe I'll ask her. In thirty years.

Be Essalto

First, watch this video:

After looking for some music for them to listen to while I wash dishes, I found this lil gem of Watoto children's choir. The girls have started singing it, but they're just starting to learn English words, so it ends up being something like "be essalto o Lohd ah God, ohres u reign" and it's reeeeeally cute. It's nice that there are few words in the song, since that's about what they can do right now. But they've really started to mimic; I'm hopeful they'll be using more English words soon.

I was so glad we've watched that video a few times, because we were at the embassy for two HOURS today. I'm just saying, make a two year old and a four year old be calm and quiet for two hours! Almost an entire hour of that was just sitting, waiting for the embassy worker to get the documents I had to fill out. So when they would start to get crazy, I would hum a little bit of it and start them singing. And dancing a little too. Man, they're cuuuute.

I felt so frazzled this morning. I think the embassy appointment went well, but I really cannot tell either way. I had all the documents she asked for except for Mirah's passport, which is being fixed right now because it has her birthdate as one day after what her birth certificate says. The worker didn't say when she would be in touch, so I don't really know what to expect. They will want some family members to come down for the interview soon; I believe that is our next big hurdle.

We video chatted with the boys right before bed tonight, and Stella kept saying "bye, Ezrat" all through brushing teeth. I'm really excited for them to meet in person and start being brothers and sisters. And by that, I think I'm really excited for them to be able to play, and quietly preparing myself for learning a whole new level of appropriate refereeing.

Please be praying the process with go smoothly. The expected timeline seems like the very earliest we could be going home would be the 21st. But that's based on one other person's experience, so it could be different for us. Which is a little daunting to think about for me, being here in Uganda alone, caring for two kids without any breaks, and in a house where there is no one else to talk to (that speaks English).

An Unhurried Attachment

Today has been a really good day so far (it's noon here as I type). Yesterday was really tough because Mirah wasn't feeling well, and she was also really tired. And you know, tired toddlers are just hard. They don't know what they want, but they kind of want to sleep, but they don't want you to put them to bed.

But I don't know Mirah very well yet. Something would happen (sometimes I wouldn't even know what it was), and she would start crying, and then she'd scream if I tried to pick her up, hold her, put her in my lap, even touch her. I thought at first she was having some difficult emotions about leaving the foster home and being with me, which would be understandable, and it was really hard to not personalize the feeling of her rejecting me. I did pretty well by just focusing on her and not on me, but it was a difficult three hours.

Turns out, I think she just didn't want to go to sleep. She's been falling asleep on me a lot, so when I was trying to hold her, she was thinking I was going to put her to bed. And she was just really tired but wanting none of that. I felt so much better when she woke up, ate a good meal (pictured below), and started happy yelling again! In the afternoon, she took another nap, but she didn't fight it. And last night she hardly fussed about bedtime!

This first meal I cooked for them. No vegetables were eaten. But happy faces!

It was hard to not feel very excited about parenting her yesterday. I had to keep reminding myself that I would feel the same way if my sons were acting like that, because I don't enjoy the sound of crying or whining, and I don't really like it when someone asks me for something and then gets upset when I give it to them (the way of the tired toddler, amiright). Still, I was feeling really tender and a little scared, despite my rational thoughts.

While the girls play together, I've been (very slowly) reading An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling, and God definitely used it to remind me that I don't need to rush our attachment. We have the time to let it grow and bloom. I have the Spirit to help me nurture and parent the girls, just as I do with the boys. Just because I don't currently feel as attached to my daughters as I do to my sons, doesn't mean it will be this way forever. But, when I'm not reminded, I think that's where my mind strays.

As I was holding Mirah just now for naptime, I was studying her face. She has been sometimes studying mine the past few days. And it's something I've loved to do with the boys, especially since bedtime is often a difficult couple of minutes with them as well. I think watching kids sleep is a great way to fall in love. She has such delicate little features. I cannot believe I have four beautiful children.

I mean, how could you not adore her?

Day 2

Today was a lot of good and a fair amount of please-don't-make-me-do-this. I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep, so my own fatigue was definitely a problem. I also forgot to plug the fridge back in last night, so the meat I bought (for 3 meals with leftovers) was spoiled. The girls did a great job playing, and they ate breakfast really well (6 eggs for two children, and toastnjam, and half an apple, and half an avocado). But we were waiting to be picked up to go back to the grocery store all day (there was a mixup with the drivers). Which sounds like not a big deal, but I was never sure I could make them a meal without it being interrupted, or put Mirah down for a nap, it was just an extra stressor.

I had to start really telling them no to things, even giving Mirah a time-in for hitting (it's like she was destined to be a Muenich. both boys are hitters). UGH I DON'T WANT TO DISCIPLINE. It's the lamest part of parenting.

And Mirah cries at bedtime and the wise part of me is all like "it's really not a big deal" but the whiney part is like "I don't waaaannaaaaa." But this morning, I went into their room right as Mirah was waking up, and she just laid her head on my lap and started dozing again. And when we finally went to the store she had just woken up, so she climbed in my arms and wouldn't be put down. Which, you know, she's pretty heavy to carry all around a grocery store, but it was sweet that she sought comfort from me.

I purposefully didn't take pictures today because I didn't want to make the fun things we did into something else. We blew up these ridiculously big balloons shaped like a swizzle stick, and the girls had a blast with stickers, and taking the caps off the markers (there was some drawing but not that much). They played with the balls we got at the store and started peeking through the hole in the gate at the front. They devoured their dinner and they sing and talk to each other all the time, including many different variations on "how are you?" and each other's names. During Mirah's nap, Stella and I started practicing letters.

So I think good things were done today. The girls seemed to generally be comfortable here and with me. Obviously I have no regrets about being here. I think really I just miss my boys and Stephen's coparenting. On the business side of things, Mirah's birth certificate was issued today, praise the Lord! We're going to finish filling out the forms tomorrow for our I-600 filing appointment on Monday. So excited to get the documents for the girls. There are so many blank spaces in their stories that I don't know; I'll be so glad to have even a little more to share with them when they're older.

Day 1 of Forever

That title sums up my mindset right now: day _ of forever. Today was so crazy, but it was just the very first day.

I was so excited to fly in last night. The four things I have been anticipating with the most excitement:

1) getting through Entebbe airport and into the Ugandan air again (it feels like Texas in late May, heart eyes emoji)
2) getting my hands on our girls again
3) getting their big, whole-life-history file
4) getting their visa approval

So pictures don't always turn out great from the window of a plane (whodathunk), but the blue snakey thing waaaaay off in the distance is a part of the Nile (in probably Sudan or South Sudan)

I know you're already submitting it to NatGeo.

I got in at 10:45 last night, and I took some time to really unpack, so I wouldn't be disorganized while parenting two children who don't know me or speak English, ending up hitting the hay around 11:45. My body betrayed me and woke up at 6:15. What a jerk.

I went on a big shopping trip with our guide bc this guest house has a kitchen! And then we went to pick up the girls. I wanted to get flowers for Auntie Grace, the woman who has been caring for the girls, but my guide said (in more polite words) that she would think that was a silly mzungu thing and I should get them useful things like cooking oil and sugar instead. So I did (but the flowers were prettier than oil). 

I don't have any pictures of our meeting because I was kind of busy. Stella is very shy, but I could tell she was really happy to see me. Mirah, on the other hand, was NOT HAVING ANY OF IT. She refused quite dramatically to sit on my lap. I think a lot of it was that she was hungry and tired. She settled down when we got in the car, ate a banana, and fell asleep.

We had to go get a SIM card for a phone and an internet hotspot maker (I don't know what they're actually called) because the guest house has no internet. And I need internet to see my other kids. I, Stella, and Mirah sat in the car while my guide went into the stores. We sat in the car for no joke AN HOUR AND A HALF. It was so ridiculously hot. Poor Stella had not just beads, but drops and drops of sweat rolling down her face, down her neck, in her ears. Mirah would periodically shift in her sleep enough to wipe her face on my shirt. Luckily I "asked" if we could swing by KFC before we ran this errand. Stella and I ate some chicken (she likes ketchup!), then Mirah woke up, ate some chicken, and started yelling. Very loud, happy yelling.

You guys, my house is going to be so. loud. :D

We finally got to the guest house, and Mirah was so freaked out. She cried when she saw her room, she cried when I went to the bathroom (even though she was in there too), she cried if I tried to get her off my lap, even to sit beside me. That sounds bad, but it is hot, you guys. I helped her calm down with the use of Color Wonder markers [Stella makes excellent circlish shapes].

After dinner (which was random but nutritious things because I couldn't quite figure out the stove), we went and played outside.

Real girls wear two headbands, sometimes with one like Geordi LaForge.

This girl has my heart, forrrrrrrreal.

Not pictured: her trying to sing the first song Stephen sung to them in December.  1,000 heart eyes emojis.

Yes, she IS this beautiful IRL. Just you wait.

I think Stella and I have already bonded because I get her, even though her temperament is very different from mine. She's shy and reserved with people, even still hardly talking with the foster home workers after two months there. But she is so curious, and she's funny and courageous. She's already started repeating words after me when I ask her to.

Mirah is totally different. She's a little spitfire. Oh my goodness, you will fall in love with her within 5 minutes of meeting her, whether you want to or not. She has such a winning personality. She's extremely charming, and she knows it.

Who run the world? Girls who wear two headbands and a necklace.

Also gorgeous, FYI.

That dress Mirah's wearing? I bought it before Stephen and I ever got pregnant, like 6 months after we were married. Yes, I've held onto it for over 6 years. I just assumed we'd have a girl. And now we have two! #noregrets

Attn: not limes.

Apparently there's an avocado tree in the courtyard, because there were all these little avocados that had dropped from the tree. We (Mirah) decided trying to throw them back into the tree was the best use of our time and minicados. It was real cute. She's so feisty.

Mirah also took some time to practice jumping(ish). Stella took time to practice twirling (sort of).

Bedtime was hard. Mirah did the same thing she did in December: freaked out when it was clear I was putting her to bed, wailing until she couldn't fight the sleepiness. It wasn't more than 10 minutes of wailing, but you guys, it's super loud. Then she'll start up again if you try to lay her down. It's okay, it's day 1 of forever. She won't be wailing every night for bed in five years.

Now I'm off to take a rag bath and GO TO SLEEP. [yes, at 9pm.]

So Encouraged!

Okay, a preface: a lot can happen within a Michelle in a day.

Yesterday, we received news that the birth certificate should be done by the end of next week. Good news! I also asked for a new appointment with the embassy to file our I-600, and we got one for February 8th. Doubly good news, because it is as soon as we can be sure we have the documents, and also because it give some indication that we may not be waiting for weeks for our visa exit interview (not a guarantee, but it's the first positive sign I've seen in months that we may not have to be there, twiddling our thumbs, for weeks).

I was able to book a flight this morning for nothing more than the change fee. I'll be leaving on Tuesday, February 2nd. I'll get to see our girls on February 4th, exactly two months after we left.

I'm not sure if we'll be able to do our IOM (medical) appointment before filing the I-600, but it's okay. Since I'm filing on Monday, I'm not feeling a ton of pressure to have it done beforehand.

Seriously, no matter what, I'm getting on that plane.

Still Here

I thought I would have the emotional energy today to explain what happened yesterday. I don't, so this will be about as barebones as it gets. Sorry for the lack of energy to make it appealing to read.

Stephen took me to the airport yesterday. I checked my bags, went through security, and walked to my gate (the same gate Stephen and I sat at when we left in November).

My phone plan hadn't been renewed because my autorefill was on a card that expired this month. But I didn't want to pay for a phone I couldn't use in Uganda, so I let it lapse yesterday. So, at the gate, I opened up my computer to text Stephen from GoogleVoice letting him know I was safely at the gate.

I got an email from our lawyer in Uganda, saying there is a misspelling on Mirah's official birth certificate, and that the corrected one won't be ready in time for my I-600 filing appointment. He advised that, if I wasn't already traveling, I shouldn't come yet.

This was 9:40a. The email was sent at 9:33a (our time). The plane would start boarding at 11:10a.

Here's where I stop knowing how I feel about what happened. I let those who are invested in this adoption tell me what to do, and I didn't consult my own impression, thoughts, or desires. But I rescheduled my flight (with no extra fees, thank you, United!) for February 9th (which I had to do by calling from GoogleVoice and holding our Chromebook up to my face, like a cool guy). That's really just a placeholder date. I don't know when I'm going.

But when did I start to just lie down and comply? Who even is that? My whole life, I've fought for my thoughts to be heard, understood, and valued. It's not about submitting; it's about making sure the decision I submit to is fully informed and not just someone's preference. I'm just so puzzled at my own behavior. Not that the decision wasn't the right one either; I think only time will tell that.

I was dreading going with no end date, so for that, I'm glad. I don't want to be separated from my boys (and my man) longer than I need to be. But my girls, they matter too. It's been almost two months since I've seen them. And I know changes to the adoption laws are coming soon. We can only delay so long before our adoption (and thus, our family) may be in danger.

I'm trying not to mope, but I don't want to unpack my necessary clothes, and repack them again. I don't want to do this leave-taking all over again. I am really tired. But I'm also getting ready to fight.

T- 60 Hours

Honestly, the feelings I'm feeling this trip are really different from what they were when we were planning to leave January 12th. Because the boys aren't flying out with me; because I don't know how long I'll be separated; because I have to do these big, involved things "alone." I'm dreading leaving. When I've been making preparations, I've been struggling not to cry.

I don't want to leave my boys on a one-way ticket. I don't want to leave not knowing how many weeks it will be before I see them again. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. Even two and a half weeks is a really long time for our four year old, not to mention our seventeen-month-old. He will not understand where I am.

The only thing that has kept me from calling the airline and canceling everything are my girls. I am so ready to feel the relief of my eyes clapped on their little bodies. I'm ready to renew the bond we began to build. I'm ready to restart the process of becoming a safe person. I'm ready to cling to God during what will probably be a pretty high-output season.

I just really, really wish we could all be together. But to change the boys' flights was $3,000-$4,000 per ticket (we're talking $7,000 for them to get there & come back). If I end up staying for weeks and weeks, I'm sure they'll come for a visit after the prices go down in mid-February. But having to leave my children to go be with my children... it should not be. I'm so ready for us to be one family.

I've been praying for the process to be short, but I've felt a little check in my heart tonight. I do often want to rush things, and Jesus isn't a hurried person. So I want this to take the amount of time he wants it to take. Not one day more or less. I want the girls to have the right amount of time with me before I take them from their home country and shuffle them onto plane after plane for hours and hours into a country that looks and smells and sounds utterly different from anything they've ever known.

I don't want our days to be constantly filled with things we must do, because life won't be like that here. I want time, unstructured time with them. Time to begin to know them and begin rhythms of living together. That won't happen if I'm busy stressing out over how long it's taking to be done with. What's another week, compared to the rest of our lives together?

And I want to actually trust God with my boys; I want to trust that his grace can stretch the gap left by my absence. It highlights how much I lean on my own understanding, on my own abilities, now that the rug is being pulled out from under me.

I'm just really glad God is gracious and patient with me, that I have to leave the country indefinitely to realize that I've been relying on myself too much. You're such a good Dad, God.

Blanket #1

Here's (probably Stella's) blanket:

Yeah, I don't know how to use my camera well.

 Sorry for the lack of proper focus. I'm not entirely please with how the colors worked out. There's a lot of variegation in the main yarn color I used, so it is less cohesive than I would have preferred.

For example, you can see above that the two rows between the accent colors are totally different, and the row above the purple is also a different shade.

Oh well. I feel like these big projects become their own things no matter what I plan. I added the blue in because that's the main color in Ezra's and Judah's blankets. I used this yarn in Ambrosia, Grape, and Montana Sky. I didn't use Montana Sky for the last one I'm making bc ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'll post pictures when it's finished.

Thanksgiving

I've been trying to focus on all the reasons I can be glad we didn't leave last week (since we didn't, I might as well, instead of mopetymoping). On of the reasons is that we can get our girls' room more in order for our return. Nesting definitely exists with adoption, in case you were wondering!

We had a friends give us an online baby shower (so sweet!) and we were given so many useful things, like the storage cubbies for their clothes (and the bins that go in them), their pillows, a toy chest to hold their toys, books, two twin mattresses for their bunk beds (!), and some things to help me care of their hair. We were also given generous gifts of funds to help with our trip.

All this generosity bowls me over. Of course, with packages coming nearly every day, Ezra has been very excited too! It's been so comforting to feel like people support us and are excited for us as I wait to go.

My parents have started working on their bunk beds, and so it looks like it will all come together soon. Organizing things is the main way I deal with my big-things-are-happening-to-me anxiety. I've also been making every list Stephen could ever need to manage our home while I'm gone.

Please, please be in prayer that my trip will be short. It will be a big strain on our family to be separated even for two weeks (the minimum amount of time I'll be there). Also I hope to put pictures of their blankets up sometime this week (I have to go to the office to do that).

Update

Sorry I've been less active on here! There are two main reasons, one being the computer I've used for so long is starting its glitchy descent into darkness, and so I'm stuck using a wonderful little chromebook. I do like it, but I don't know how to get pictures from our camera onto it, and I know blogs are very fun without pitcures. Here's some clipart for you though.

It's like high school vomited on my eyes, this pic.

The other reason is that I'm frantically trying to finish the girls' blankets. I've crocheted blankets for the boys -- ones big enough to sub in for a bedspread -- because (a) I'm a gifts person and it brings me joy to see my loved ones using something I made for them, but more practically, (b) I don't have to stress out about them putting it over their heads at night. You know, since crocheted things have lots of holes.

I've finished Stella's and have started working on Mirah's. It's taking longer than it could take because Judah sits in my lap whenever I sit down, and it's really hard to crochet with a person in your lap trying to take off your glasses. I'll post a picture of it once I figure out how (I swear I'm an intelligent and capable person. I have a lot of other things going on that are a tad more important).

How I'm Feeling

If you've had a baby (and probably if you've adopted before, but I don't know), you may be familiar with the feeling when you're nearing 40 weeks, and all the nerves and excitement and fear and everything starts to give way to the overwhelming desire for this current stage to be over. The I'm so uncomfortable I don't care if I'm unprepared for parenthood feeling. Or that was my feeling. The I'm so done with this feeling.

So yeah, basically that. Am I ready for the challenges ahead? NO! No. Do I feel even kind of prepared to parent four children four years old and under? No. I don't even think I know all the things I could be preparing for (despite having read many books on adoption or parenting or grief)? No. I feel about as prepared to bring these girls into my home as I did having Ezra.

The learning curve for me with Ezra was so immensely high that it took a long time before I got my head above water. I mean, some of that was hormones, but a lot of it wasn't. At least this time I know that the next few months may kind of totally suck for me. I mean, there have been times when parenting my biological, never-been-traumatized kids has kinda sucked. Some normal stages of development are kinda sucky. That's not very nice to say, but people aren't always very nice, and small children are just people with no filter on their behavior. You know?

But I am not going to be caught unawares when it happens like with Ezra. And the transition may be much smoother than what I've read about. Lots of people bring children home, and they attach to them, and they love their siblings and integrate easily into the home. I have no idea how it will go. It's all a big question-mark,  a white space on the scrolling page of our family story. And I'm just ready to move into that space and explore it, for all the pain and beauty.

So yeah, I'm excited and relieved and so, so thankful. I'm also terrified of how out-of-my-depth I will be and wary of the pain and selflessness it will require. But the prevailing feeling I'm having is just let's do this. Let's go get our girls and start to be a family.

Tickets Booked!

Our flights are booked -- yes, OUR flights! Stephen and the boys are coming for a week to Uganda! The four of us will fly over on the same plane(s), and then they will come back without me. Feel free to send a prayer for the boys to fly well because eeeeek! It will be quite the trip. We leave January 12th, so in 13 days NO BIG DEAL.

Please be praying as we figure out how to secure the final funds for the trip. We had a LOT of unexpected expenses on the last trip (what with Mirah being so sick and with our agency not telling us about several large expenses they absolutely should have mentioned to us), so about $2,500 we thought we had ready for this trip was instead used for the last one.

My parents have blessed us by paying for the boys' plane tickets and by using their frequent flyer miles to get me there. Another close friend of ours has given us enough in our Lifesong grant to buy Stephen's plane tickets and probably my and our girls' tickets home! Such generosity enabled us to not be apart for several weeks, and for the boys to be able to experience their sisters' home country. I know they may not remember it, but I think it will mean a lot to the girls that their brothers have spent time where they grew up. I'm also really glad the boys can meet their sisters on their home turf, in the foster home they're enjoying right now. I was dreading their meeting being right after I took the girls from their home country.

The rest of the trip we will have to pay for with a small, interest-free adoption loan. I'm so glad we sold our house; the downsizing means we have extra in our income for a small loan payment as well as the added expenses of having two more children.

I will post tomorrow on how I'm feeling, since people have been asking. :)