How I am

So, you know when something happens, and you surprise yourself, and then you think, "self, you should know this about you by now."? Is that a thing other people do? It is, right?

I tend to think of myself as someone who handles her emotions. I can be pretty volatile, so I have lots of opportunities to train in processing emotions without them taking the wheel and driving me into a ditch or running people over or something. [letting your emotions drive never ends well, amiright?]

But when I get a really big emotion, a big sad one, I don't handle it. I don't know how. It's so big it's scary, so I lock my heart up and tell it to be quiet because I don't know what will happen if I do let it out.

Truth is, I'm super scared for little H. And I'm super scared I'm going to lose her. With a quavering voice, I have called her "daughter" in my heart. My arms are already stretched out to receive her. And if the Congo closes, there won't be anyone behind us to adopt her. In 2006, 95% of the Congolese population lived on less than $2 per day. Two dollars. I struggle to feed our family what I want to feed them on $12! And that's just food! The Congolese do not have the resources to care for Helen. To keep her alive.

Yesterday, my feelings finally got control of the wheel enough to force me to deal with them. And God was kind enough to give me a picture of what my heart looks like right now. I won't share it with you because it was kind of graphic. It was kind of Him because He validated that I wasn't being histrionic; it makes sense that my heart would be crushed for these children who are just like mine.

So, really, I'm not great, but that's okay. Please be praying for the children (and nation) of the Congo.

Adoption Updates

Well, we got the news on Wednesday that our case will not be grandfathered in (which we expected anyway). Now we really have some questions for the Lord to answer. We just need Him to tell us if H is our daughter or not. NBD, amiright?

Perhaps I am learning perseverance? I'm not sure. This hasn't (yet) rocked my world, and I praise God for that. I'm not sure if perseverance looks like this or something a little cleaner and more smiley. I'm not smiley, but I'm not hopeless. And that's a step I'm assuming is in the right direction.

Although I wish this was an announcement coupled with some significant step (we should've had our homestudy updated by now, but that would come with a $5,500 fee we're not confident of paying yet), but oh well. New items are available in the Etsy shop! I'm desperately in love with a lot of these pieces.

Okay, I've run out of energy. It feels like life is trying to run me over these days, and Stephen and I keep adding to our list of serious, important things we need to spend a lot of time thinking through, talking out, and praying over. Stephen hasn't had 2 days off in a single week for a month. Maybe more. Lord, sustain us, give us grace, and be merciful to us!