Oh, Being a Mom...

I know he's cute, but I think we think he's much cuter than he must really be, because I can never capture the fullness of his cuteness on camera. Honestly though, that doesn't really matter. He's enchanting to me and to Stephen. The most enchanting, wonderful little tyrant ever. When he's happy, the whole world is a good and wonderful place. When he's unhappy, the whole house is unhappy. It's hardest when he decides he's famished when I'm out somewhere, and I can leave immediately but I still have to drive that awful, wailing drive home. I guess that's where I most feel my new mommy nerves.

Well, that and making the college students wash their hands before they hold him. It's a little uptight, but honestly. College students come into contact with A LOT of germs. And they often come to homegroup or church kind of sick, or contagious and not yet knowing it. And how often did you wash your hands when you were a college student? [How often do you wash them now, eh? Think about poor, immunocompromised babies before you sneeze and touch a doorknob.]

I try not to dwell on these things. So far he's only had a temperature once, and, apart from nursing the whole night (I exaggerate; I got 15-20 minutes in between. From 6pm to 1am. Just saying, a lot of nursing, and consequently, many diaper changes), he was in good spirits and didn't look sick.

Potty Plus

His poopies are still greenish - I'm told this is because he gets a lot of watery foremilk - but he's growing enough that we aren't worried. His tummy goes out sideways, like this (.) [the dot's his belly button], giving him a froggy tummy. It's so cute! But he doesn't poop all night and then really lets loose in the mornings (poor Stephen). I think he honestly tries to poop while he's undiapered on the changing table. When I try to wait until he's done pooping, I'll often forget that he ever went. So maybe only waiting one or two minutes isn't long enough, but I don't remember for ten. I'd rather him poop on the table than sit in his poop for an hour.

He's been pretty awake since maybe week three or so - eyes wide open for an hour or two several times a day - and his eyes are still blue. We'll see about that, though. His hands are often open now. His swiping at things is getting more intentional, it seems, and he's already grabbed my hair. He gets his hand to his mouth to gnaw on it much more often lately. I don't know what it looks like for him to "find" his hands and feet, so I don't know if that's happened yet.

I also don't know if this is normal, but he's always been able to hold his weight on his legs, usually when he's upset (gassy? I think...). He often does it for quite a few seconds, now up to maybe a half a minute. I know one baby book I read said they're not supposed to be able to do that yet, but he can. It also seems like a favorite to thrash his head around when he's hungry. This is a very unfortunate thing when Stephen's holding him, because nothing on Stephen is soft, and it always makes Ezra so upset to crash onto Stephen's collar bone or shoulder bone or cheek bone or jaw bone.

Sleep

Everyone asks about sleep. Well, he started out sleeping well, at least three hours, usually four, sometimes five, and occasionally six. We had one night where he slept eight hours straight, but that was following a very hard day where he didn't get enough sleep (poor, miserable baby!). So we typically go to bed between 11 and 12, depending on when he nurses, and I wake up once in the night to feed him.

Ezra sleeps with us. I've experimented with him sleeping right up next to my tummy (a la in utero) and with him sleeping in a cosleeper bed that fits between Stephen and me. It seems like he currently sleeps better in the bed - I have a theory that he can smell me and is reminded of how nice it is to nurse, so he starts wriggling about trying to see if he can get a snack - but it just could be that I sleep better when he's in the bed cause I don't feel the wriggling. I dunno. The only problem is he's already able to touch the end of the bed thing. I've started to put him in diagonally, to make it last longer.

Stephen wears ear plugs so Ezra doesn't wake him up (he's a hard sleeper, lucky...), then gets up between 7 and 8:30 - again, depending on when Ezra nurses - and takes him into the front part of the house so I can sleep. Ezra usually wakes up after "breakfast," so it's good that he has someone to interact with besides sleepy Mom. When Stephen goes to work, usually at 10, he brings him back into our bedroom and Ezra and I have sleepy cuddle time. I can usually get him to drift back off to sleep with me for a while. So, I'm not hurting for sleep, though I can tell I'm not as rested as I could be. I'm assuming this is because my sleep is interrupted.

Ezra Updates: one of... several.

Now that our Little Bit's six weeks old (!), I'll give a little update.

He's generally a pretty happy little guy - only one unstoppable crying spell so far. He has days where he nurses every hour, and days where I can't put him down. His needs feel kind of constant, but his needs are so simple right now, you know? Fed, rested, changed, held. Every bit of crying (besides that one night) has been taken care of by one of those four things.

The hair he was born with is brownish-reddish-I-don't-know, but most of that is gone. Apparently it is normal for a baby to look like a tiny friar. I think it ages him by about 50 years or so. Still, some downy white/blonde hairs are starting to sprout where he first started going bald, so I don't think he'll be a grampa baby much longer.

We still can't tell whose eyes, ears, nose, and lips he got. It seems like he may have a mix of both sides in each feature. Oh, and I suppose his eyebrows, but those are juuuust coming in. He has one faint dimple. I don't know if it will get more pronounced or go away - anyone know how dimples work?

Thin is Out.

I think it was the day after I had Ezra, and I had the opportunity to sleep on my stomach for the first time in like 5 months, and I was at the very least automatically ten pounds lighter (which doesn't sound like much, but you feel it in your bones). I told Stephen, "I never want to complain about my weight again!"

Because, well, truth: I get down on myself about the way I look. I'm sure that's not a shocking and foreign concept to most of us, male or female. I really hate that, too. I've even written about it before. At Joelle and David's wedding this weekend, I had the opportunity to "dance" (read: jump around manically) again, and it felt SO GOOD! I missed being able to actually move without all that weight sticking out on my stomach.

But already, I'm disappointed that I didn't meet my 6 week weight loss goal (though I haven't been doing too much about it, honestly, other than sporadic tummy tightening exercises and the rare walk). And I'm disappointed that I'm not closer to fitting into my old clothes. And I'm just disappointed in the way I look.

Who is NOT disappointed in the way they look? ISN'T THIS RIDICULOUS?!? Most of us look completely fabulous. And probably everyone reading this has at least one person who really loves them, no matter how much muffin top they sport.

In other areas I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to other girls. [if you're a guy reading this, I'll let you in on a little secret: most girls, when they go to the beach or the mall or wherever, spend a whoooole lot more time looking at other girls than looking at boys. Often, our appearance is more of an effort to conform into the society of other women than to attract you.] I think it's either from me feeling like I'm pretty great in an area, or I'm so hopelessly behind that it's not worth comparing.

But with thinness specifically (cause my face is pretty free of any real abnormalities; I feel pretty good about it), I have to consciously think to not feel good or bad about myself based on who's around me (I mean, vigilant. It's an automatic thing at this point).

And the weirdest part is how much I internalize it - no outward judging or jealousy, just either an "oh, I'm doing okay" or "man, I should look like that woman, but I don't. What is wrong with me?" This internalizing is a weird thing for me because I'm a very external person. It's also very frustrating to try an reason with myself that I don't have much business looking like an 18 year old freshman at 6 weeks postpartum. I wouldn't expect that of any woman I know. But me.

I've talked enough for now. I know this problem is a lot my fault and a lot my environment (America). I just NEED to get this under control if I'm going to work with college students and be in a college church long term. Cause college students don't get any older and, by and large, they don't have post-baby bodies. But I sure do, and I'll be 26 next month.