Exhaustion

If you know me in real life, you probably know that our son E doesn't sleep well. We've been working and working to try and find ways to help him stay asleep in his bed, but he's just not a good sleeper, and something happens every time we start to get a good thing going (staying overnight away from home, another dang tooth coming in, etc).

Normally we make do, but this past week, oh man. This past week I've had a sinus infection, which is not the end of the world (I sleep with my mouth open like a boss). But I've had a bad cough. One that's been keeping me up - last night until after 2. And it means that I can't go back to sleep in the morning when Stephen wakes up with Ezra.

I don't know how to tell when I've reached a point where I cannot function anymore, but I've got to be close to it. Having one night (or three) of bad sleep isn't the end of the world when you've been getting an uninterrupted 7 or 8 hours for weeks before, you know? But it's not the same when you've been deprived of quality sleep for almost two years.

Anyway, I realized today that I've been taking a lot of blame for Ezra's sleeping on myself - the if we'd done something different, he'd be sleeping well kind of responsibility that really is hazy. It's possible there's something that will help him that we haven't tried. I've been feeling like a failure since we don't know how to help him, and we just keep trying different things, and nothing is clearly working any better than sheer luck.

But the Lord is so gracious. Yesterday, Ezra woke too early from his nap. He slept too long to be able to go back to sleep, but he needed to sleep longer, so he just lay in my lap, dozed, and fussed for a half an hour (y'all, that is an extraordinary thing!). I got to hold him and love on him, and stir up those feelings of compassion, that, poor guy, he couldn't behave any better because he was out of resources to cope with.

During my quiet time today, I was just telling the Lord how utterly spent I am. The total exhaustion that says, "I have nothing left to give." He had me go lay down in our bed and reminded me of yesterday, when I was holding Ezra. The Lord isn't upset or disappointed in the way we've parented E. He isn't even upset that I haven't been "on good behavior" lately. He knows I'm spent. He knows my "poor little body" has had to run on less than it needs for a long time. He understands I can't pull it together. He wants to pull it together for me. He wants to carry me when I can't even stand anymore. He doesn't wish I was stronger or better or different.

It was just what I didn't know I needed to hear. Thanks God, for being so good.

PB & C Pie

So I thought I should share with you a lil recipe I "cooked" up over Thanksgiving. I've always been a sucker for peanut butter and chocolate together, and I've never wanted to actually, you know, expend more energy than necessary in making something. The great thing about this recipe is that it makes two 8" pies - one for your guests and one for you. :)
And remember, I don't do food pictures, so imagine something rich and delightful in your mind.

* either 2 store-bought graham cracker crusts, or 2 8" tins with a graham cracker crust recipe you got from somewhere else
For the peanut butter layer:
* 1 full cup peanut butter (I like the kind that you grind yourself. It really tastes like peanuts and isn't too creamy or too crunchy.
* 8oz cream cheese
For the chocolate layer:
* 12 oz semisweet chocolate chips
* 1.5 C heavy whipping cream
* 1/4-1/3 C sugar (depending on how sweet you like your stuff. 1/3C will be quite sweet.)

Instructions:
* I usually nuke me cream cheese on a lower power to get it softer. Don't actually make it hot: the goal is roomish temp.
* Mix peanut butter and cream cheese until homogeneous. Yes, you were going to use that word after high school biology. Divide and spread in pie tins. Don't freak out if your mixture isn't sweet. In fact, be worried if it is.
* Melt chocolate chips with half the cream (make sure when melting that the heat is low and you stir often. Burnt chocolate is not enjoyable to any of your senses. Some people successfully melt chocolate in the microwave but I'm terrified of my chocolate losing its temper. See what I did there?)
* While your chocolate is melting, beat the other half of the cream until you think you'd probably call it whipped. There's leeway in this recipe for an actually whipped cream or a kind of whipped cream. E was already asleep when I made this, so it was whisked instead of whipped. Still yummy.
* When the chocolate is mostly melted, turn off heat and add sugar. Stir until homogeneous.
* Add chocolate mixture to whipped cream and beat until homogeneous again.
* Divide and add to pie tins on top of peanut butter.

IMPORTANT: The chocolate needs to set, so you need to make this pie the night before. Seriously though, it takes like 12 minutes.
IMPORTANT: I don't like Cool Whip. I think it's really weird and yucky to my mouth. But you can use it at your own risk.

P.S. I ruined the predecessor of this pie by trying to melt chocolate and then mix it with marshmallow creme. The texture was genuinely gross [Stephen said like mud without the grit... ;/ He then was reminded that women are allowed to get offended at someone else for essentially repeating what they just said.] I was trying to make it lighter without becoming too light, but I now know that this pie is meant to be so very rich, and to be eaten in little, heavenly slivers.

Fundraising... oh whatever. Fundraising Update!

So!

Let's see. We did a bake sale a SCW which raised a little over $250! YAY!

My awesome, hard-workin mother-in-law Tammy catered a wedding and gave us $500! YAYYAY!

That gives us $3,000 in our adoption account. :D That's a good chunk of money!

I feel like I should share more, but we're in the middle of making a decision this week that may affect our adoption process. We're totally still adopting, but it may be sooner than we thought. Any prayers you want to send for clarity in decision-making on our behalf would be greatly appreciated.

In the meantime, I'm working on the last two grants we can apply for before we receive our referral (at which point we can apply for one more). Please be praying we receive a grant (or two!) because it would make the fundraising process much less arduous (as far as essentially working on top of our jobs in order to raise funds).

Thanks all!

Dear self,

We just have to break up. I know this may seem sudden to you, but it's actually a long time coming. Like, a really long time. I know you've enjoyed dominating my life, and, honestly, I've just let you far too often.

Truthfully, this is going to hurt you more than it will hurt me. Because, self, you're about to die. I promise I'll try and resurrect you a few many times. But this is it. We are never ever ever getting back together. I just don't like you as much as I like this guy. Have you met him? His name is Jesus. You may not like him though; he's pretty specific about you dying, like, every day.

I know this is going to be a hard transition, but, self, it just has to end. I can't submit to you and Jesus at the same time. He's gonna be my new self. He's gonna tell me what to do with this life. I know this is hard, but sometimes bad things have to end. And you're a bad thing, self. Sorry.

We are never getting back together. Like ever.