Pensees

No, I'm not reviewing Pascal. I'm trying to collect my own thoughts.

The truth is, when I went on staff in Feb 2010, I didn't think I would still be raising support a year later. But, unless God works many miracles, that will be the case. I also didn't think I would still be raising support at the time of the birth of our first baby (sometime in late Feb/early March). But that will also be the case. What this practically means is, I will have a 6 week old and be coming back to work, not to do campus ministry, but to do the ministry of raising funds.

For those of you unfamiliar to the process of raising recurring support, it requires a couple of things of you: seed money, because it costs money to travel and to send letter updates and thank you notes and such. It requires a list of people to call. It also requires time - time to call people to see if they can meet, time to meet with them, often including time to drive to where they are, time to follow up with them, time to keep bugging them until they give you an answer, time to update them on what's going on with the ministry and how you're doing, etc. Another thing it requires is energy. Emotional energy, because it's kind of hard to call twenty people you don't know 5 nights a week and try to be clear and friendly. It takes energy to see how the Lord is providing and how His people are extensions of His love and goodness when... when honestly it can feel dangerously like nobody cares. It even takes energy just to remember who to be contacting when, or to remember to put it into the program that tells you who to contact and when.

So. We don't have a lot of extra money, since we're having a child in a few short weeks. I don't have people to talk to (I should amend that to say we have I believe 9 people we have information for that we haven't gotten a hold of yet). I don't have a lot of time, as I'm trying to get the house ready to welcome a tiny new person and an incredible change in our whole lives; I'm also helping with ministry things because it helps me feel like a real person and they need help. I also can't travel right now by myself because the thought makes me nervous, but it freaks my husband out. And emotionally, I'm just currently drained and disappointed. It's not like we're close to finishing my support. We're actually still $2,000 away. Which feels like a big number.

If you put yourself in my shoes, you might be feeling "kind of" discouraged. You might be feeling "a little" overwhelmed at having to juggle a tiny baby, a husband, a homegroup, and a difficult, draining job. You might be crying a lot. You might feel disappointed that you worked hard and didn't see what you'd hoped.

I know I'm complaining. I know my complaining doesn't change anything. I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't know how the next three months are going to look, but I feel pretty done with hoping that the Lord would swoop in and do mighty things that would make this not suck. I feel like a rag doll. I got nothin' left, but I'm here. I have nowhere to go but to Jesus.

So this year's word of the year (thanks, Beth, for the idea) is rest. Because, because it's what I need, and rest only comes from faith that God is who He says He is. Even when I don't even know what that means.