I know a lot of people read my last blog post. Please don't be alarmed or concerned. I promise I'm not miserable with my life. I'm just kind of dramatic, especially when I'm down.
Still, I wanted to give you an update. Friday afternoon, I was given a little lamby for the baby. It has a wind-up part on the side that tinkles "Jesus Loves Me." It also moves its head around slowly, which really freaks out our little dog, Django. So I was winding it up and watching him react (doing the sniff-run away dance) and thinking, half-absent-mindedly, through the lyrics.
And it hit me. I'm still a "little one." It doesn't really matter that I'm about to have a little one myself. I don't think Jesus expects for me to stop being weak some time. I don't think it's going to happen, regardless. I am a human. I'm really weak. And that's why I need Jesus to be strong for me. I don't need to have the answers or know what's going on in my life or even be able to handle tomorrow. I just need to rest in the truth that Jesus really, really loves me.
And I felt so much better. It reminds me of parenting books I've been reading - it seems like maturation with children is not really like an elevator, where they go to one floor, hang out there for a bit, and then ride the elevator up to the next floor. It sounds like it's a lot more nebulous, where they'll be making strides in one area and kind of regressing in others. Where something may trigger them to need to be taken care of as if they were younger.
A) I want to be the kind of parent that is okay with where my child is at in maturity at that moment. He may be four and acting like a two year old. It's not my job to make him be the most mature four year old at all times. I think, I mean I don't know, but I think it's more my job to meet the needs he's presenting to me as much like Jesus would as possible. Because, honestly,
B) Jesus doesn't get upset or disappointed with me when I have a day where I act like I'm two years old in the Lord, even though I'm really five and a half. He knows how to lovingly walk with me where I am. He knows me. He knows He'll be faithful to complete the good work He began in me. And He really is pleased with me, all the time. I know God wished for me to be born and to live and to be me, because He told me so, and my whole life shows that to be true.
So I've been feeling a lot better since then. I didn't really realize that there are lies I'm believing, and I'm still trying to get to the root of "what my circumstances are saying about me." But I think figuring out I'm being stung is a pretty important step to eradicating the hornets. For now, I'm just resting.
This morning I was struggling with feeling inadequate about where I'm at with God. Lately I've felt painfully immature in how I choose to act toward God & live out my faith. Then comes guilt. As if I should look at my sin nature and go, "Now look, you're going to straighten up or we're going to have to have a talk."
ReplyDeleteThen I asked Kyle, "Do you ever feel like you're acting like a 5-year-old in your spiritual walk and there's nothing you can do about it?"
Then I read your post. I really did love your prayer yesterday morning, I'm glad you wrote about it though because I feel like God was trying to tell me something (specifically - word for word what you wrote under "B"), but I was too wrapped up in angst to hear it.
Love you!
What a beautiful post, thanks so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you and your child. The next few weeks can be very frustrating; the hormones, feeling as big as a house, anticipation/anxiety about labor, and people asking "is the baby here yet???" (I found that one of the most annoying things ever!). Hang in there and feel free to message me on FB if you want to chat about anything.
Emily