I mean, of course I'm really just paraphrasing Paul. And I'm sure it's just human foolishness, but I just don't get it. Shouldn't I feel more holy? Heck, shouldn't I be more holy? I sometimes get glimpses of the sanctification that the Lord has done in the last, wow, almost 6 years, but most days, I really don't.
Now, I really dislike the term "backslidden" because (a) I doubt anyone without a christian background has any clue what that means (and jargon shuts people out and is also a bit of a marker for puff-up-ed-ness), and (b) I'm not convinced that that it is even really a thing. What I mean is I don't know where something like that can be supported as a new Testament phenomenon.
And anyway, I don't think I'm backslidden because I am still a disciple of Jesus. I guess it is partly that the road has become dramatically more difficult, and my flaws are much more obvious, and my sin has greater consequences. Let's face it; it was a lot easier to follow God as a single woman in college. That doesn't make me superior to single women in college. In some ways I think I was a much better disciple. But in other ways it was just a lot less noticeable when I was relying on myself and not the Holy Spirit. I can't do it now. Not even a little. And so I'm kind of terrible, all the time.
Don't try and like make me feel better. I'm not in a bad place. And if Paul got to say he was the worst of sinners in the Bible, I know I'm not way out of line for saying that I'm often pretty terrible at this whole righteousness thing. I'm sure that I will be able to look back and see where the Lord's hand is operating on me. That is so comforting. Perhaps that's it. I haven't been making the time to look back at the wonders the Lord has done in my life.
No joke, y'all, He has done miracles. Miracles. for me.
I've heard really old, really faithful Jesus lovers say that the more they grew in their faith, the more they were aware of their sin, and that was a gateway to seeing more of the depths of His grace.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're on the path that many saints have walked before. And praise the Lord for miracles, because we need them ever so much.