Ten Years

Did you know I've been a mom for ten years?

I mean, not really, but also yes, really.

My first son, my birth son, was born ten years ago.

I don't tend to carry a lot of memories with me; I've come up with several different guesses as to why that is, but they're just me judging myself with varying levels of severity. But I remember so much from the 7 months I (knowingly) carried him.

I am so proud that I got to be his first mom. It's hard for me to understand why God would take some really big mistakes I made and redeem them by allowing him to be born. And why he would gently and clearly lead me through the process of letting him go to be with the family God ordained. And he's allowed me contact with my birth son and his family, so I get to see him growing up into the amazing person God formed in my womb. What an honor.

Carrying and birthing him made me a mom. It changed me. It made me more like Jesus, in choosing love that wants good for that person and not just what I want for myself. It really felt like my heart was breaking, for a long time.

Despite the grief, I've never regretted my decision. Really, not ever. But that's probably because I know I was obeying God. It reminds me of Luke 11, where that person shouted at Jesus "blessed is the woman who birthed and nursed you!" and he was like "Actually, blessed is the person who obeys God's word" [Michelle's paraphrased version]. Even tho Mary was obviously totally blessed, Jesus reveals that obeying God is a gift he gives to us. In his presence there is fullness of joy. I have received so much joy from my first son.